2/30: Fears, Tonight’s Thoughts

To know what I'm talking about, read this.

Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears:

1) I’m pretty freaking scared to death of spiders. I’m not really sure where this fear came from. When I was a kid, there was a huge banana spider outside my bedroom window and I wasn’t afraid of it. Now, if that happened, I’d die. I don’t know what changed to make me scared. But oh boy, I am! I have too many scary spider stories. I can’t even type them cause they freak me out. Some of you have probably heard them. Please note: I just typed some key words about them to explain how horrible they are, but got too freaked out and deleted it. A friend of mine convinced me to let a tarantula climb on my arm (for moral support – she wanted to for a specific reason but needed someone to do it with her and because I love her so much, I agreed). Fortunately for me, she never got it set up, so I got out of it. Thank goodness. I probably would have had a heart attack and died. Just talking about this gives me the heebie-geebies! I think I need to take a shower after typing about this…

2) I’m scared of crazy bridges. Not just your normal, run-of-the-mill bridges. I can handle short ones or straight ones just fine. The ones that get me are the super long or super curvy ones. For example, most of the on-ramps for Beltway 8 in Houston freak me right out. I have to focus on my breathing and tell myself repeatedly that I’m not going to die. For some unknown reason, I always think that something is going to happen to the car and I’m going to lose control and careen over the edge of the bridge and die. It’s kinda horrible. I also always get just a bit anxious when I drive to Galveston on those long bridges. It’s not too bad, but I am a little hyper-aware on bridges like that. The worst example of this was when I was driving to Florida. There’s this huge bridge through some swamp in Louisiana. It’s something like 50 miles long. It takes an hour to drive on. Nothing but swamp for miles and miles. I couldn’t help but think about how the bridge was surely going to collapse and then we’d crash into the water but we wouldn’t die in the car – we’d be able to get out but then we’d have to swim to land, but that wouldn’t be for another 20 miles so we’d definitely either drown or get eaten by alligators. And with my luck it would be either my mom or my niece that got attacked first and then I’d have to fight off the gator and…and…and… So many horrible things went through my mind the first time we crossed it. The second time – it was even worse. EW! I’m never driving on that bridge ever again.

3) I’m afraid of leaving this life and it being like I never existed. I’m afraid of being forgotten. I’m afraid that when I die hardly anyone will be at my funeral. I’m afraid that there will be no mark left behind because of me. Now, I know that these things won’t happen. But my fear of being irrelevant drives a lot of what I do with my life. I want my life to have meaning, not for my own benefit, but for others. I want to do things that influence other people for good. I want them to feel the love of God because they knew me. I want to help them in their hard times. I want to life them up and give them hope. And if I’m successful in doing that, I don’t have to be afraid of my life having no meaning. In some ways as I’m writing this I feel incredibly narcissistic. But mostly I realize that because I value helping others so much and want so badly to do that, I’m afraid that I will fail.

In other news...

Today I had a cool experience. I got to observe some Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. I’ve been really interested in this model of therapy for a while, have read a book, seen some videos. But I’ve never seen it live until tonight. It was SUCH a good session. Amazing things happened. I could not believe how much progress I saw in just one session. I already thought I wanted to use this model, but wasn’t completely sold yet. After seeing tonight, I am 110% sold. I loved it! I was glued to it! I cried, I laughed, I thought deeply. I can’t say enough wonderful things about this session. A lot of people may say that emotions don’t matter that much. I don’t buy it. They matter so much. Beneath everything, there is an emotion that affects us. We learn to ignore it and deny, but it’s there. And when we let it out – oh man! That’s where the magic happens. For various reasons, I almost didn’t go tonight. I am SO glad I did. My experience was invaluable!

I also took the MMPI today. It’s a personality assessment. It’s 566 questions or something ridiculous like that. It took me an hour. I thought my hand was going to fall off. Seriously. It was insane. Don’t ever take it, unless you enjoy the feeling of immense pain in your hand from meticulously filling in over 500 stupid little circles til you go crazy.

Also – I’ve been boycotting Glee since the episode in the Fall about the characters all having sex. I don’t think we should encourage sexual activity in teenagers. Some may disagree, but I feel pretty strong about it. However, my sis and I found out that Matt Bomer was going to be on last night. We absolutely adore him. Like, I’m fairly positive he is the most attractive man that has ever lived. So, we gave in on our boycott for one night. And let me tell ya – it was the best decision ever. Matt Bomer on his own is pretty fantastic. Add him singing and there is just nothing better. If you didn’t see it, you should look up the song he sang on youtube, Somebody that I used to know. SO GOOD! I love me some Matt Bomer!!

Night!!

Procrastination

Words, so many words. And none of them fun.

I’m trying to do research for a presentation I have Tuesday at 1. My brain is having a very hard time staying focused. If I’m gonna look at pages and pages of words, I want them to be fun. This is boring. Boo. I am so distracted! But at least it's with something much more entertaining - me!

Why yes, I do sometimes take breaks from homework by taking pictures of myself in a dang-cute hat with my face and hair lookin’ fantastic while neck down I’m in my purple, starry nightgown. Don’t you?

In other news, have you seen the new edible Easter basket grass? It’s blue and pink and green. It’s especially Green because it reduces plastic waste. It takes it away from the landfills and puts it instead in our little tummies (the waste and the grass part, not the plastic part – I would never recommend eating normal, boring, tasteless, plastic Easter basket grass). Sarah added it to our surprise Easter baskets this year. Partly because we had both already said we were curious how it would taste and partly because silly Target ran out of the normal, wastey Easter grass. I was pretty excited to try it. I ripped off a piece of the pink grass and shoved it in my mouth as fast as I could. Then I pulled it back out to look at it closer thinking, “wait, this is the edible stuff, right? Cause I don’t taste a thing!” It mostly just tasted like paper. Which is I guess a little better than plastic. I realized I would never know this pink grass’ true identity unless I tried it again. I turned the corners of my mouth down, shrugged my shoulders while raising my eyebrows and popped it back in. Paper, definitely paper. Oh wait! Its dissolving. Ohhh, there’s the flavor. Turns out it has to dissolve before it lets the light flavor seep out. It’s okay, but nothing to freak out about. I’m glad Sarah got some cause otherwise I would have wondered for the rest of eternity what the edible grass tasted like. Now I know. Where was this stuff when I was a baby and would often eat dirt and grass while my parents videotaped me (rather than stopping me)? It would have come in very handy.

My Easter morning surprise! Thanks, Sarah!

Sarah also got us fun new herb/flower gardening stuff! 8 new packets of seeds! I can’t wait til this presentation is done so we can plant them! As you can see, the pots and patio table are all teal. So is the little owl planter decoration thing we have so loving named Owlie. He's a hoot and a half! (did you catch that? hehe) We have such a skill for giving personalities to cute inanimate objects.

I’m not the kind of girl who claims to have a signature color because what does that even mean and what makes them so special they can claim a color anyway? But if I was one of those girls, teal would mine. I think this arose out of my love affair with the color green while I was married to blue. Blue was my favorite color for as long as I can remember. Then all of a sudden green started growing on me and I felt like I was cheating on my blue-hued love. Then I realized that (unlike in real affair situations which I highly discourage) I could combine my loves and make teal. And what a glorious epiphany that was! My life will never be the same.

Thanks to my friends Stephanie and Brianne for feeding me delicious dinner. The steak was perfectly cooked, the candied yams were delectable with their marshmallows, cinnamon, and oats, the green bean casserole provided the perfect dipping for my roll, and the pretzel salad made my heart sing. Thanks for being such great friends. J I’m super excited about our season tickets to the Hobby Center. I feel all kinds of cultured at the mere thought of the theater productions we shall see.

And now, back to the no-fun, make-me-want-to-do-anything-but-read-them words…

G’night!

He Is Risen!

I love Easter Sunday.

I love that my sister surprised me with an Easter basket full of candy and fun new gardening stuff.

I love all the Easter candy that can only be found this time of year (jelly beans, Cadbury eggs and mini eggs, peeps - YUM!).

I love Easter dinner and how it usually consists of something a little special (a few years ago I had asparagus for the first time ever on Easter - now it's one of my favorite veggies).

I love the bright fun colors that people wear (today I'm wearing a pink blouse, white skirt - and my cowboy boots).

I love the sun shining lightly through my window. (Did I just say that? Normally I hate the sun - I must really be in a good mood).

I love seeing pictures of little kids doing Easter egg hunts (get those up on Facebook, friends!).

But more than anything else, I love that I get the time to think about my Savior Jesus Christ and all He has done for me.

I love that Christ loved me enough to pay a ransom for my sins. I love that He suffered for me in the Garden of Gethsemane. I love that I know He not only suffered for my sins, which are many, but that He felt all of my pain, my loneliness, my despair, my fear. He suffered everything I will have ever felt and ever will feel so that in my darkest hours, He would be able to be there and say to my spirit, "Rachel, I know this is hard. I know you are hurting. I know exactly how you feel right now. I know this because I suffered for you. I love you so much that I never want you to feel alone with your pain, so I felt all this for you. If you trust in Me, if you lean on Me, I can help you carry your burdens. I can comfort you and put my arms around you so you know you are not alone. I have graven your image in my hands. I did it all for you, Rachel. I paid the price for your sins. Turn to me and I will forgive you. Together, we can me it. I am here for you. Do not despair. Someday you will be able to see me again, and hug me, and cry with me. I can't wait for that day! But until then, turn turn to me. You may not see me, but you can feel me. I am right here. All this Rachel, because I love you!"

I love that because He rose from the grave, so will I. So will everyone I love. I will get to meet my brother who was taken from this earth before I was born. I will get to see my 3 grandparents who have passed and get to know them so much better than I did here. I will get to meet my ancestors. And we will all be together forever. This life is not the end. This life is just a moment in our eternal lifetimes. I am so grateful for that knowledge!

I am teaching in Relief Society today about the eternal nature of our souls. I know that we lived as spirit children with our Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ. I know that we chose to come to this life to grow and progress so we could return to live with Them. I know that we have existed forever and we will continue to exist forever. I know that because of the Gospel of Jesus Christ we can be forgiven of our sins and we can live forever with our families in the presence of God.

I am so eternally grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ. I am so grateful for His Gospel that teaches me how to live my life as He has asked. I am so grateful for the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation, that God loves us enough to allow us to grow through trials, and that He has provided a way for us to return to live with Him again.

When I think of these glorious truths I want to climb on my roof and sing praises to my Savior! He loves us! He is Risen! We will live again! We can be forgiven of our sins! We can have eternal JOY! He is glorious! He is perfect! He is the definition of Love! He is my Savior and Redeemer!

Click here to see a beautiful video of the Atonement, death, and Resurrection of Jesus Christ. It's the video you see first on the page.

Click here to learn more about the truths I've expressed here.

I know some of you believe differently than some of what I have expressed here. Some details may be different, but I think we can agree that Jesus is the Christ. He died for us and He lives again! Praise to the Lord, the Almighty!

Happy Easter Sunday, all. Remember the reason we celebrate.

1/30, Random Things

To know what I'm talking about, click here

List 20 Random Things about yourself:

1. I sleep diagonally across my bed. My sisters often ask me what I’m going to when I get married and have to share the bed. Well, I hope my future husband doesn’t mind curling in a ball and sleeping on one of the corners, cause even when I fall asleep normally, I often end up diagonally anyway.

2. I love the sound of the french horn. No other instrument comes close to its beauty. Hearing good french horn brings me more joy than almost anything else. In high school, on a band trip to Disney World, I told my friends that when I die, I want to be listening to a french horn. Still do. True story.

3. I have lived in 5 states (born in New Jersey, grew up in Texas, went to college in Utah, spent a summer doing research in Washington, served my mission in Florida, and now am back in Texas). I also like to claim that I lived in England, though really I just visited my parents for extended periods while they lived there. While in Europe we visited Scotland, stopped at an airport in the Netherlands, spent a few days in Germany, drove in Switzerland, Austria, and France, and toured part of Spain. I LOVE travelling and want so badly to do more of it.

4. I greatly aspire to have a huge library in my home someday. Wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling, dark wooded bookshelves full of mostly books, but also some knick-knacks and accessories. A sliding ladder to more easily access the top shelves. Dark green walls (for the bits that aren’t covered with bookshelves). Huge, dark red leather arm chairs, love seats, and ottomans. Fluffy pillows. A globe on a stand. Side tables and coffee tables to match the bookshelves. Antique table lamps that don’t match, but compliment each other. A huge, soft rug. A big ceiling fan. Can you picture it? Cause I sure can! Someday when I’m able to build a house, the most money will go into the library. Sigh…I want it now! J

5. I have never dyed my hair. I won’t always be able to say that because I know I will in the future. Those pesky white (not gray) hairs have got to go!

6. I have three scars on my legs. One from kneeling on a jack when I was a kid, one from sliding down a rusty, broken slide on our swing set that used to be in the back yard, and one from being sling-shotted off a golf cart while on vacation with my best friend.

7. I am currently trying out gardening. And by gardening, I mean growing things in small pots rather than in the ground seeing as I live in a 3^rd story apartment. And by things, I mean one planter of Oregano. That’s all we have so far. If it works well, we will graduate to more herbs and maybe flowers. Right now there are little tiny sprouts just barely coming out of the soil. I talk to these little sprouts in a high-pitched, cutesy, baby talk manner every day – lips puckered out and eyebrows furrowed. I am sure the little sprouts enjoy hearing my voice and are glad to know they are loved.

8. My bathroom is decorated in sage green and lavender. The perfect color combination for a bathroom.

9. Christmas is by far my favorite holiday. I can’t wait to have kids to celebrate Christmas with. There are so many traditions that I can’t wait to do with my future family! Here’s one that I am really excited about: I have a book called The Autobiography of Santa Claus. It’s genius! There are 24 chapters. I plan on reading one chapter a night to my kids starting December 1 and going til Christmas Eve. It’s a story based on service, not on presents, which I think is great and so relevant to our day. And though it is about Santa Claus, it is very religious. I love it and I can’t wait!

10. My favorite sound (other than the French Horn) is wind blowing through pine trees. I feel peaceful and happy just thinking about it. I could spend a day in a grove of pine trees and do nothing but listen and think and be perfectly happy. My next favorite sound is waves crashing on the beach.

11. My favorite thing to do while at the park is swing. I plan on having a huge adult-sized swing-set in my backyard some day. It will probably have a large, comfy seat on it so I can swing for longer periods of time without my bum falling asleep! Have you gone swinging lately? If not, you should!!

12. I lived in Utah for four years, and somehow never went skiing. How did that happen? Future husband, whoever you are and wherever you are: you best plan on fixing that little problem!

13. I almost constantly have music playing in my head. Mostly instrumental music, though songs from the radio often get stuck in my head too. I still randomly will hear my 8^th grade trumpet region music for hours at a time. I often hear soundtracks, such as from Narnia, the Lord of the Rings, How to Train Your Dragon, etc. I love music so much. I used to get annoyed at the music in my head because I felt like I was wasting so much time that I could have used to be thinking about important stuff. Now that I have more important stuff to take up my brain space, the music is a welcomed guest.

14. I am horrible at keeping up with planners. The only time I successfully used them was on my mission when I was basically forced to. I always buy them and use them for two weeks and then they don’t get touched again for months. I would like to change this about myself, but every time I try, it doesn’t work. But I keep trying – I’m sure someday it’ll stick.

15. I love reading books about dystopias. Some of my favorites are: The Hunger Games, the Matched series, Fahrenheit 451, the Giver (with the 2 sequels), Brave New World, and the Alliance. I have a goal to someday write a book. If that book happens to be fiction, I think it’ll be about a dystopia.

16. I have a freckle on my eye. Ok, I’m not really sure it’s a freckle. I don’t know what it is. But there is a little brown spot outside the rim of the iris in my right eye. It’s weird, but I like it.

17. I have a strange love for and obsession over the tv show Supernatural. It brings me more joy than any other tv show ever has. I don’t know how to explain it. I mean, Jensen Ackles is one good explanation for this love, but it is certainly not all of it. I used to be embarrassed to admit it was my favorite, mostly cause I don’t know many people who watch it and it’s really hard to explain to someone who’s never seen it. It sounds super lame when I try. But, I am no longer embarrassed – I love it too much to hide. J I am however, still very embarrassed by my love for the Vampire Diaries. That one I really have NO good explanation for, other than Ian Somerholder. It’s my guilty pleasure. Supernatural, it’s just a pleasure – no guilt involved.

18. I much prefer dark, gloomy skies to bright, sunny skies. The summer I was on my mission I actually yelled at the sun every day. It was too hot and made me uncomfortable! So I let it know how annoyed I was at it. I enjoy the sun every once in a while. But once it gets to be over 90 degrees, give me clouds and cool things down! Some people get depressed when it’s cloudy all the time – I get happy!

19. I once almost got killed by a hurricane. My sister and I went to the beach 3 hours before a hurricane made land fall. We were walking on the jetty and a huge wave came and knocked us off our feet. Luckily there was a cross post on the rails that caught us. If we had been about 3 steps behind where we were, we would have gotten washed out and battered against the rocks. Maybe I’m being a little dramatic in saying I was almost killed, but we definitely would have been hurt really badly.

20. The thing I hate most about being a girl is having to blow-dry my hair. I try to avoid it as much as possible. Ladies – there has got to be a better way to make our hair look good than blowing hot air on our heads right after we’ve showered and gotten all clean, only to make us all sweaty and not clean again. Someone, please find a solution to this life dilemma.

I hope you enjoyed learning more about me! What are some random things I may not know about you? What’s unique about you?

Next up: Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

(wink, wink!)