Moving Mountains

Coming home from a mission is hard. I was asked a few days ago what the hardest thing about being home is. Luckily, I had been thinking about that a lot lately, so I knew how to answer. This might take some explaining – so, I hope it makes sense.

As a missionary, I had almost daily experiences that reassured me that the Lord was directing my life. There were so many times that I could back on my day and see how the Lord had led me to accomplish His work. There were even many times that bad things would happen, but by the end of the day I could look back and see that those things had to happen for something else good to happen. For example, I was sick most of my mission. I actu
ally developed rheumatoid arthritis about halfway through. Because I was so sick, there were times that I was not able to get out and work as much or as hard as I wanted to. It was a daily struggle that had a big impact on my confidence as a missionary and my feelings of self worth. But when these negative feelings would get really bad, the Lord would give me an experience to show me that He was still pleased with my efforts. He knew my limitations and knew that I was doing the best I could and He blessed me for that. Many days when I wasn't able to do much because I was sick, we would find someone who just got home from work, or had only a few minutes that they were available, or some other time constraint, that if we had not gotten there exactly when we did, we would have completely missed that person and lost the opportunity to help them feel the Spirit by testifying of Christ and His restored Gospel. The Spirit would hit me so hard during these times that the Lord knew my situation and directed my day perfectly so we would find who we needed to find, when we needed to. It was amazing every single time. I grew to rely on this direct guidance of the Spirit and crave it. I loved seeing the Lord direct my life, in large and small things. My testimony grew so much and I learned over and over again the power of TRUSTING in the Lord to use me as an instrument in His hands.

Fast forward to now. I’ve been home for 21 months. There have been times that I have seen the Lord’s hand in my life. He has directed me and I have tried to keep the Spirit with me so that I could be led according to God’s will. But life is different now. I wake up, I go to class and work, come home, study, and go to bed. There isn’t as much need for the Lord to direct my life because it is routine. I know I am where I need to be and for the most part, doing what I need to be doing. But I no longer get the daily assurances of the Spirit that I am where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing to serve God and bring about His purposes. I can’t complain about my life now, but it is just so different. I miss doing things that have direct and immediate implications for myself or other people. I know there are some things I can do to be more available for experiences like this, but overall this is just how non-mission life is for me right now. I’m not complaining, just recognizing that this is the hardest thing for me about not being a missionary.

This feeling in general has been weighing on me lately. This past semester was really busy. Then add on the effects of rheumatoid arthritis, and I was not able to reach outside of myself very much the past while. But I knew that I wanted to, and I prayed to be able to see the Lord’s hand directing my life. I knew that one way for me to be more readily available was through helping others, so I prayed for that as well. I just wanted to know that my life had meaning for more than just myself; that the Lord could and would still use me as an instrument in His hands to help others. So, I prayed, and tried to prepare myself. I wanted to see the Lord moving mountains in my life. Because that is when I am happiest and I needed more joy in my life.

The Lord answered my prayers!

I have a friend who was in my ward last year in Provo. Actually, when we were in Provo, I probably would have only called her an acquaintance. My roommate was much more her friend than I ever was. She was amazing. She taught Sunday School in the ward and I LOVED her lessons. I always felt the Spirit so much when she taught and I could see how much the Gospel of Christ excited her and influenced her in ways I admired and wanted for myself. She was so friendly. And she was gorgeous! I think the combination of all these attributes intimidated me. I didn’t reach out to her and become very good friends. We had a few conversations that I really enjoyed but mostly I would just watch her and think, “I wish I could be more like her. If I had to choose one person that I know to emulate, it would be her.” Then I moved back to Texas and she continued her life in Provo. I thought about her every once in a while when I would see things on facebook, or when I read her blog. But she was mostly just someone I admired and wished I could be more like. I regretted not getting closer to her, but I knew there really wasn’t anything that could be done about it. She was a missed opportunity.

Then I read her blog andshe had written about something horrible that had happened to her. She didn’t specify what it was, but I knew it was bad and my heart broke for her. I didn’t even know what happened, but I was crying for her. And I wanted to help. But what could I do? We weren’t close. I couldn’t ask her, “Hey, I know we aren’t really friends, but what happened and can I help? From Texas?” So, I prayed for her quite a few times. I put her name on the Temple prayer roll. I thought about her a lot and hoped that whatever she was going through wouldn’t keep her from being the amazing person that I knew her as. Of course, from her blog posts, I knew it wasn’t holding her back much because she knows how to completely turn to Heavenly Father in hard times. But still, I prayed. I though that was all I could ever do.

Our Relief Society had a Christmas party at the beginning of the month. I walk in and am about to sit down and then there is my friend from Provo! What?! We hugged and asked how each other was doing and went our separate ways for the meal. Turns out that she was visiting one of her old roommates who now lives in my ward. I knew that I wanted to talk to her more and ask how she was really doing, but I did not know how! So again, I prayed that if I needed to talk to her, I would have the courage to and would know what to say. At the end of the party, we were told that if we wanted to, we could help wrap present for the family we were giving Christmas to. I saw her walk towards the door, so I hurried to go talk to her, thinking she was leaving. She was just going to wrap presents, so I sat down and wrapped with her. Remember, we weren’t close at all before, so I had the hardest time knowing what to talk about! Finally, we were done wrapping and stood up and just started really talking. I don’t remember now what we talked about, but it was a good conversation. I left excited that we were better friends and hoping that in some way I was able to help her, if only giving her someone she knew to talk to in a new place. I knew she would be at the ward Christmas part the next night, so I was excited to be able to see her again and hopefully become even better friends.

The next day was horrible! I did not want to go to the activity. I didn’t feel good, my sister and I tried shopping and it was just frustrating. I was in a foul mood. I almost convinced myself to skip the ward party. The only thing that made me go was that I wanted to see my friend again and felt like I needed to talk with her more. I now know that the bad mood was just satan trying to keep us apart. I went to the party and again, waited til it was over to talk to her. I sat down and again struggled to know what to say and what to talk about. Luckily, after a few minutes we were able to get into a rather deep conversation and it was much easier to talk then. We talked about so many things! From our confusion about individual realities, to my mission, to our spiritual journeys, to the trials we were going through, to the knowledge that the Lord brought us together. It was probably the most meaningful conversation I had with someone in all of 2011. I loved every second of it. We both laughed our heads off, then cried, and didn’t even notice that almost everyone was gone and everything put away. We were just lost in our own little world.

I am still amazed by the time we shared together. She let me know that she now knew that I was the reason she came to Texas – so that I could help her, and so she could help me. I needed to know that the Lord would still use me to help other people. I had been feeling so insignificant. Then the Lord brought my friend down FROM UTAH so that I could help her. That knowledge alone helped me so much. I was able to feel the Spirit so strongly and give of myself, which I hadn’t been able to do in a long while. I was having some self-esteem problems and she just told me how great I am and I believed her. Usually I have a hard time taking compliments, but this experience was so huge and real that how could I not believe her? Things like this DO NOT just happen. There was not one second of coincidence that weekend in the time we spent together. The Lord orchestrated all of it – to help her, and to help me.

Moving Mountains.

That is exactly what Heavenly Father did with this friend and I. And every part of our story had to happen the way it did. We talked about how we wished we had become closer while we lived in the same apartment complex. And while I still wish we did and am saddened by all those missed opportunities, I think our friendship happened exactly when it needed to. Like I said, I don’t know exactly what happened to her, but from what I knew of her before, from her blog, and from things she said, I can guess. And if we had been closer I am sure she would have felt like she needed to give me all the details, and I would have asked for them. I bet always having to talk about it is incredibly exhausting and hard for her. I am so grateful that she didn’t have to explain things to me. She could just say, “I’m going through a really hard time and it sucks!” She didn’t have to relive it. It was just like my mission – things didn’t go how I wanted them to, but they were exactly what the Lord knew needed to happen. I was upset that we weren’t friends previously, but the Lord showed me that we weren’t supposed to be yet, so that I could be there for her in a way that not many other people could. And not only was I able to be there for her, but she was able to help me in ways that I don’t think anyone else could have either. I needed her just as much as she needed me. It didn’t matter that we live 2,000 miles away from each other. Our Loving Father knew we needed each other and sent her to Houston. It had to be here, where she knew no one but me and I had a desire to make her feel welcome. And it had to be the weekend when there were two ward activities for us to see each other, because I almost never see her friend at church on Sunday because our ward is so big. Every little detail happened exact

ly how Father knew it needed to. Satan tried to prevent it. I am so grateful I did not listen to him, but followed the Spirit instead. The Lord moved so many different mountains to bring us together and I will FOREVER be grateful. I consider this girl one of my best friends. Not because we’ve spent lots of time together and know each other super well, but because we had such a deep and profound experience together. When that happens, how can you not develop an incredibly strong bond?

I feel like a different person after this experience. The Lord does still direct my life. He does love me and wants me to feel important. He has a work for me to do and I feel so much more prepared now to sacrifice myself to do Heavenly Father’s will. I am so grateful for the Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ, who made it possible for me to repent and be worthy to serve God. And for the healing power of the Atonement – to heal my friend, and to heal me.

There are a few big things in my life that I can look at and know the God lives and the Restored Gospel is true purely because those things happen. This experience with my friend from Provo is one of them. There is no way it was coincidence. If there was no other evidence that God lives and loves His children but this experience, it would be enough. We are each so loved. And the Lord will do whatever it takes to help us. Even move mountains.

“God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs.” - President Spencer W. Kimball

After All We Can Do, Narnia Style

The Chronicles of Narnia are pretty much my all time favorite books and movies. Some may say the movies aren't that great, but I absolutely LOVE them. I just re-watched Prince Caspian for about the 20th time tonight while doing some work that didn't require a huge amount of brainpower. There is a scene in this movie that brought me to tears the first time I saw it and brings me close to that each time I've seen it since. Do you remember this part?

Let me remind you in case you forgot. Peter, Susan, Edmund, Prince Caspian and the Narnians are fighting the Telmarines who are trying to take over Narnia. Before the battle started, they sent Lucy out to see if she could find Aslan because she was too young to fight. And because she was the only one who believed in Aslan enough to have seen him since they returned. She's in the middle of the woods and Aslan finally shows up, awakens the trees and sends them to fight with the rest of Narnia. The trees completely freak out the Telmarines and they retreat to the river. They get to the bridge they had built and stop. Lucy, little Lucy, is standing alone on the other side of the bridge. She reaches into her cloak and pulls out her little dagger, cocks her head to the side, inviting them over, and waits. Then Aslan walks up next to her, roars really loud to call the river spirit to come destroy the bridge and the battle is over.

Do you realize how amazing this scene is?! Some people when I've talked with them about it, don't see any significance, but to me it is huge. Here's Lucy. She's little. She probably fought plenty during their first stay in Narnia, but now she's back to her small body and her siblings think she is too weak to fight. She probably is too weak physically. But she goes, she pulls out her dagger and she stands on the other side of the bridge waiting for a whole army to come towards her. She never looked away, never flinched. Just stood there, completely confident. But where did her confidence lie? In Aslan. I'm sure she knew she would not be able to fight the Telmarines on her own, but she also knew that she wouldn't have to. But the great part is, she was willing and ready to do her part, small as it may be. She would have fought fiercely with that dagger if Aslan had asked her to. She was ready to fight the forces coming toward her, because she had someone infinitely more powerful than them by her side.

Are you catching the connection here? We need to be Lucy!!! We are all constantly standing across from evil forces who want nothing more than to bring us down. To destroy us, whether physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually. We stand against the forces of Satan. And we need to pull out our daggers, ready to fight them head on. Because we do fight them everyday. With every temptation to do wrong, or not do right, we are fighting the might of Satan. And really, we don't have that much to fight him with on our own. But, thanks be to God, we are NOT alone. We, like Lucy, have someone infinitely more powerful than the forces we face standing by our sides. Jesus Christ, who Aslan represents in so many beautiful ways, is there with us every step of the way. He can handle those forces. He can protect us from harm. All He asks is that we do what we can with what we are given. Lucy didn't have a sword or a bow and arrows. She had a tiny dagger. But she used it. She did everything she could, small as it may have been, and Aslan took care of the rest. That is exactly what Christ does for us. He asks that we give Him all we can. It doesn't matter the amount, but that it is truly and honestly our best. And He takes care of us. He not only fights the forces of Satan for and with us, but He takes away our sins when we lose a little bit of the battle. He makes us clean again. How amazing is that?? Right now I kinda feel like I have a plastic butter knife to fight with. It's not much. But I am doing all I can to try to fight Satan in my own way and I know that my Savior is by my side, helping me fight and making me stronger. I could not accomplish anything without Him. But because of His amazing Grace, I don't have to ever be alone.

One of my favorite verses in the Book of Mormon is 2 Nephi 25:23.

"For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by grace we are saved, after all we can do."

I used to think that meant we had to be basically perfect, and then the grace filled in. But that's not how it works at all. All we can do doesn't have to be perfection. Sometimes all we can do is very small. But He knows what that is and His grace covers EVERYTHING else. We just need to honestly try. Not only does grace cover us after all we can do, but despite all we can do. Because even the best person cannot even come close to saving him or herself. We are NOWHERE without the grace of Jesus Christ. He loves us so much that as long as we are willing to let Him be in our lives, He will take care of everything else.

So how about it? I want to be like Lucy. She is my #1 fictional hero. I want to have the faith that Lucy has to fight with my dagger trusting wholeheartedly on my Lion, my Savior who never leaves my side. What about you? Will you stand up and be like Lucy too?

The Study of the Butterfly

When you look at the word psychology and divide it up into it's root words, what do you think of? Psychology becomes psyche and logos. Psyche meaning the mind or the brain, and logos meaning the study of. So, psychology means the study of the mind. Or at least that's what I've always learned.

In my Psychotherapy Theory class this week we were studying Carl Jung. We had a guest lecturer who works at the Jung Institute in Houston. He explained a different definition for the word Psychology. Apparently psyche, when it is directly translated into English, means SOUL. So, psychology becomes the Study of the Soul. He then asked the class what everyone thought about that, good or bad. I was initially thinking to myself, "how could you NOT like that idea?" I was so surprised when the first 6 or 7 comments were about how they did not like the idea of the study of the soul. They said things like, "we don't need to bring religion into our science," "if I'm working on people's souls, I have too much therapeutic power over my clients," and "bringing the soul into psychology seems reductionistic."

WHAT? I was in complete shock by their answers! I can understand being slightly wary about bringing religion into psychology. However, I don't think that the soul has to be religious. I have two concepts of the soul. One is very religious and has to do with my belief that we lived with Heavenly Father before we came to earth, that we came here to be tested and tried and learn to know our Father even though we can't see Him, and that we will eventually return into His presence to be with Him forever. Then there is my more human concept of the soul. When I think of who I am as a person, I don't just think about my mind and my thoughts. I think about my feelings, my sensations, my desires. There is so much more to me than just my brain. There is so much more to people than just their minds. I think it reduces a person's potential so much more to say they are just the brain and the electrical and hormonal connections that are made. I am not my brain! I am not my mind! I am my feelings and so much more. I am my soul. I am me. I wish my colleagues who didn't like the study of the soul would not fight against religion so much that they are blind to concepts typically used by religion, but that aren't necessarily religious. Open your minds please!

THEN. Then the guest lecturer explained that psyche, not translated to English, but in Greek, (or whatever language it originates from), means butterfly. So now, Psychology becomes the Study of the Butterfly.

Mind. Blown.

What do you think of when you think of butterflies? I think of beauty, flight, change, peace. All of these things apply to a person when they reach their potential in this life. Caterpillars are ugly (in my opinion). They eat a ton and then get really lazy and wrap themselves up in a cocoon. Then they go through a mighty change, a metamorphosis. But in order for that change to actually matter, they have to go through the crazy hard process of fighting their way out of the cocoon. This is a time of incredible pressure and pain. But when they push through it, they emerge as beautiful butterflies. They fly around, free and peaceful.

That is exactly what we as people need to go through in order to become our best selves. Life is hard!! Parts of it are ugly, we indulge too much in things that may not be good for us, we try to be lazy and avoid things that are hard but that will help us. On our own, basically we suck! But as we go through life we are given things that help us to become more. We go through hard, horrible times where we are experiencing so much pain, feeling like we're under so much pressure that there is no way we can survive. It flat out hurts! But when we hold on and work with the pressure instead of against it, we can get through it. And when we get through it, we become better. We learn from our struggles. We improve ourselves. We help others who go through similar things. We become so much better and get closer and closer to reaching our potential. We CANNOT reach our potential by having a life of ease. It is only through our struggles and pain that we learn the things we are here to learn. It is only through our struggles that we improve ourselves. And we go from lazy, ugly, fat caterpillars, to beautiful, peaceful butterflies. We fly higher than we ever could if we did not experience hard things. We must go through our own metamorphoses to become our own, beautiful butterflies.

My goal in therapy, what I'm in school for, is to learn how to help these beautiful butterflies emerge from their cocoons. We all go through times when we can't get out on our own. We need outside help, whether from family, friends, religious leaders, or at times, professionals. With the help of these people who truly care for us, we can still make it through the hard stuff and come forth beautiful. This is why I decided to go into therapy. I want to help people, couples and families to become the best they can and reach their fullest potential.

And So It Begins...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

(deep breath, Rachel...)

I just finished my second week of grad school.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I'm still trying to decide which emotion those two screams are supposed to be portraying. There are just too many emotions floating around my head and heart that I don't really know how to make sense of it all.

FREAKED OUT.

Oh my great day. What on earth do I think I'm doing in grad school? Do I even like school? Do I even have the motivation to make myself do well? When I graduate in two short years, people's happiness is going to be affected by me. I want to do couple's therapy. So, marriages and families will be at least somewhat dependent on me and what I say and do. AHH! That is a lot of responsibility to place on yourself when your natural tendency is to be really, really lazy. :/ Not to mention that I'm already behind in my reading, I haven't started researching for my class, I am slightly behind on my TA job because I can't figure things out... and I could make the list go on. So, this emotion could also read: OVERWHELMED.

EXCITED.

Oh my great day. I've wanted to be a marriage therapist for almost 4 years (and probably much longer than that, but I didn't realize it til then) and here I am finally getting started to pursuing my dream. And I'm in a new place, in a ward with way more cute, good guys in it than my last ward at BYU, living with my sister, seeing my best friend and her baby every week, going out with the sister missionaries regularly, and again...the list could go on.

RELIEVED.

Oh my great day. I never have to worry about applying to a school again. I'm here. I'm doing it. Things haven't blown up in my face yet. I'm getting to know people in my program and as far as I know, they don't think I'm crazy. (though, we'll be getting to know each other quite well...I'm sure soon they'll know I'm crazy). My loans finally came through so my tuition is paid and I have a parking pass. Still need to get an ID. But things are progressing. I'm going to be okay.

WONDERING ABOUT THE UNKNOWN.

Oh my great day. Have you heard the drama about the apartment? Well, not that there's horrible drama, Sarah and I just have NO IDEA where to live. We signed applications to a complex in the ideal area, but not the ideal apartment itself. Then we got home and there might be some available at Sarah's complex that she already loves. Oh yeah, and there's the one that we would sign at in a heart beat, but it's by the Galleria. That equals traffic from hell. The deepest and darkest pits of hell. So even though we'd love to go there, we really don't want to drive there. Then there's the unknown about what my future holds. Lets be honest, there are less LDS men here in Houston than in Provo. What if I don't find someone here? Will I be single forever? Or if I do find someone, how on earth will I fit dating into my already-busy-after-only-two-weeks schedule? Then if I get married, what do I do about working/having babies? Oh geez... emotions are going back into the overwhelmed area... I hate the unknown. It totally freaks me out! I guess life would be pretty dang boring if I knew everything, but ahh! I'm freaked.

MISSING PEOPLE.

Oh my great day. I miss my friends in Utah. Amanda. Melanie (though she's not in Utah). Justine. Cameron. Everyone else at the coding lab or the Dean's Office. Kayla. McKenzie. Todd. Michelle. Rachel and Ned. Alissa. Jessica. Shiree. Again, the list could go on. I thought I'd be okay leaving them all behind, and in most ways I am, but dang! I miss them! And although I'm excited to make new friends, I kinda just want to keep the ones I have and not have to worry about making more. And I miss my brother, Michael (who knew!). I hate goodbyes and I had to make a lot of them all at once. Boo. I'm never moving again.

Tired.

Oh my great day. I'm sooo tired. I've been on campus today for almost 12 hours and still have just over an hour to go. Chronic fatigue from two illnesses + grad school...doesn't work quite as well as I thought it would. I'm tired. And I have this feeling that I'm gonna be tired for the next two years (at least!).

Confident.

Oh my great day. I can do this! We had our first role play in psychotherapy skills yesterday. I was so nervous. We were supposed to be practicing attending skills (which I think I'm pretty good at) and reflective statements (which I pretty much suck at). We broke up into groups and I was the last one to be the therapist. (No, I didn't do it on purpose). But I got to see two other people do it first and hear all their feedback before it was my turn. I credit my success to that. But it wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting! We were only supposed to ask four questions in 10 minutes, and I only asked 4! I always ask questions! But somehow I did it and I feel much more confident than I did two days ago. Not overly confident. Just confident enough to push myself to get a lot better. Because I'm not quite as freaked out as before. This is good! I think I can handle being a therapist. (Watch me feel the complete opposite next week...).

But most of my confidence is coming from the fact that I know without a doubt that this is what Heavenly Father wants me be doing with my life right now. And if He wants it, it's gonna happen! I just need to keep putting Him first and trusting in Him, and everything is going to work out just fine. I am so grateful for the gift of the Holy Ghost which I feel will definitely be helping me as I try to help the children of Heavenly Father find more joy and happiness in their marriages and families. I'm grateful for the comfort God gives me when I'm stressed and overwhelmed. There is nothing I can't do with Him at my side. And I know that as long as I keep doing what He has asked of me, He will be there every step of the way. And that gives me a lot of confidence.