This I Know

Do you ever feel like you forget who you are? Like there are so many different things smothering you for time and attention that you slowly lose yourself. You can see pieces of you slowly leaking out and away but there’s nothing you can do to stop the continuous draining.  Until it feels like nothing is left.

I’ve been feeling like this lately. Probably because of my anxiety-ridden licensure exam coming up in 3 weeks. But for many other reasons as well, I’m sure. I do know the main reason I feel like I’m losing myself, unsure if I’ll ever get those pieces back, but I’m not quite ready to talk about that just yet. It’s coming though. It’s the main reason I haven’t written anything in 7 months.

Did I mention I’m sorry about that? Not only for those few of you who care about what I write. But also because I’ve had plenty of ideas to write during my hiatus, but I didn’t record them anywhere, so now they are lost to me. And that’s sad. And so I am sorry.

But really. 2012 was a very hard year for me. I am so relieved it’s over. And desperately hoping 2013 is better.

So…

What do you do when you feel like you’re losing everything that makes you, well, you? It’s an incredibly unsettling feeling. Especially when you’re trying to become a therapist and help others only to realize that you need so much help yourself. That’s okay though, right? I’m allowed to be human, too, aren’t I? Sometimes I need that reminder. That permission to be fallible. To make mistakes. To feel those emotions I help my clients deal with. But still… it’s hard to give yourself that permission. Especially when you really haven’t given yourself permission for much, ever, which is my unfortunate tendency.

The only thing I can think of right now is hold onto the pieces of myself that are still there. That I can identify. That feel real. And true. That make me happy, despite everything. And since discoveries, especially of the self- variety, are what I really like to share here, this is what I have come up with so far. This I know about me - myself - Rachel.

1. Maxi skirts. Who knew that such a simple article of clothing could come to feel so right to me? I feel so comfortable in them. So free.

I really hate clothes. Especially when they constrict. And I especially hate pants. I made it all summer with only wearing jeans once. To me, that is a beautiful thing. My discovery of maxi skirts helped free me, once again, and in another way, from society’s expectations for me. Or my perception of society’s expectations. Whatever.

I hope to one day have my wardrobe full of maxi skirts. Other skirts are nice too. And maybe someday I’ll break down and get some leggings to go with my boots. Cause I sure feel great in boots too. I think that if you had to define yourself in terms of clothing, I would be a maxi skirt. Comfortable. Free. But classy. And flowy. Cause what better word to describe yourself is there than flowy?

2. My hands. And how I adorn them.

For some reason, I am at peace with my hands lately. I bite and tear at my nails incessantly. I’ve tried to stop. I can’t. I don’t really care to anymore. I have owned my short, sometimes jagged nails. They like to be painted fun colors, but have been sad because I’ve been to busy, or lazy, or both, to give them the color they like. Sorry nails. I’ll try to do better.

I’ve not worn rings since I was pretty young, except for a CTR ring. Until I lost my CTR ring and the others I had didn’t fit comfortably. I always wanted to wear rings more, but I got my dad’s hands and my fingers are just thick. Which makes it very hard to find a ring that actually fits and looks good.

Then.

This summer at West Yellowstone I found the ring. The one ring that actually flattered my fingers. And excited my eyes. And brought a smile to my face. It was a big turquoise stone with the most beautiful veining. And a small-ish silver band. I can’t do just small bands because then my finger looks huge. But a small band with a large stone on it? Oh yes. Yes, that I can do. And I have loved it ever since.

Then.

I finally got my eagerly, and not-so-patiently waited upon ring from my beautiful Grandma. She collects them. And got enough for all her granddaughters to have one of her rings. My sisters and I were among the last to receive ours, but only because we live so far away. We semi-hesitantly trusted Mom to pick our rings for us when she was on a trip to Utah. She called me to discuss the options, but I had to go off descriptions because her phone is ultra-ghetto and won’t send or receive pictures. I was unsure how they looked, and nervous that the picks for the 3 of us would not quite suit us. Finally it came.  And suit me it did! Large smoky quartz stone in a beautiful antique-esque silver band. I fell in love with it the moment I saw it. Sarah and Becca’s were beautiful, too. Geez, my grandma has exquisite taste in rings. I hope to glean more of her ring knowledge from her this summer. Because this is knowledge I need. Desperately. One of these two rings is on my finger every day. Except when I forget them and upon realizing my mistake, curse myself and feel naked and so un-Rach-like all day long.

I have also recently added a charm bracelet to my left wrist. It was also bare since I lost my CTR ring in March, 2011. I had the most perfect watch that I would put the ring on for safe keeping when I wasn’t wearing them. Well, the gremlins in my mom’s van stole them after my MFT interview at UHCL. I hate those gremlins. No matter the searching I did, I never found any watch, or other decoration, that accurately said “I am you. I make you more yourself. You need me. Right there, on your left wrist.” And so it’s been naked. And alone. And sad.

Then.

James Avery had a sale on their new bracelets. Buy two charms, get a bracelet for free. Sign me up, I declared! I looked at the charms for probably an hour. Because picking a charm is no light business for me. Especially the first charms. Finally I found the ones that not only called for me, but fit within my poor-grad-student budget.

A music note. Because few things affect me like music does. My dream life is still playing French Horn in the pit of broadway musicals. Please, if you ever see a charm with a French Horn, get it for me. I’ll pay you back. You know how most people, especially girls, always have something on their minds that they are thinking about and planning? That doesn’t happen for me. When I don’t have something I’m actively thinking about, I have music playing in my head. It’s completely unconscious. And completely beautiful.

Also, a dove. This was a more abstract pick. I wanted something for my chosen-if-not-exactly-dreamed-of profession. A marriage therapist. But what would a charm for that look like, exactly? A couch? No. So I thought about what my purpose would be in that profession. To help people.  To pull marriages up through the muck of pain they’ve been slopping through. Or. To give hope. To give peace. Which is what a dove represents, after all. (Not to mention the religious significance of a dove, which is also important to me).

I have two more charms ready to be added. My best friends forever half-heart that fits together with my thank-goodness-she’s-still-around-and-loves-me-cause-I-love-her-so-much best friend, Malorie Leyva, given to us by her mother at my graduation. And my Texas heart charm. Because my heart is always in Texas. And Sarah is getting me a nativity charm soon, which yes, will be on the bracelet year round, because what more could I want than a constant reminder of Christmas and that amazing and dear little Baby who saved me?

3. Reading. Oh, reading.

I am consumed by it. In a wonderful, coming-alive sort of way. All my worries slip away as the story weaves through me, lifting me to something higher. I am changed, yes, but in all the right ways, by the books I read. I think more critically, feel more deeply, desire more strongly because of being swept away to new places. Places I could never explore if not led by the hand by these authors with the most beautiful gift of words. I find myself in those pages. In those words, between those lines and through those experiences of characters so different from myself.  And what have I found?

A desire. A desire that has always been there, but never came out into the light for me to really see and examine. It was there, but out of focus and blurred differently each day. But it has stepped out into the light. I’ve seen it, felt it, studied it. And now this I know:

I want to be a writer. An author. I want to lead people by the hand, as I have been led so many times before, and take people where they could never go without my help. Into the recesses of my music-filled mind. Into the nooks and crannies, shadowed corners and vaulted ceilings of my imagination. I haven’t even really been there myself, but I want to go. I want to make a record of my journey and share it with others. For no other purpose than enjoyment. Fun. Hope. Peace. For me and for them.

And can I share a secret? I’m terrified. This desire (which was brought into the light by Veronica Roth and Divergent, by the way,) scares me to the core. I don’t know how to write a novel. I’ve never written more than 25 pages in one work. I’ve never written more than what has been required me by my professors. Never once have I written creatively, with the exception of my blog. But that is all based on life experiences, not pulling a story out of nothing. I only ever took one literature class, which I loved, but wasn’t even in the genre I plan to write in. I don’t know the first thing about any of this writing business. AND I’m about to get a degree in therapy!

And somehow I have the audacity to think that I can do this. That I can (with plenty of practice, mind you – I don’t expect this to come easy or naturally) write a story that other people would be interested in, maybe even pay money for. I partly think I must be having delusions of grandeur, because this desire seems so unlikely, so impossible.

But I want it. I want to write. And read, because every writer knows you have to read at least as much as you write. Maybe I won’t ever get published. Maybe I won’t ever get past a short story. Maybe the only people to read it will be myself and those few friends I trust to share in the intimacy that comes with writing from the heart. But I want to do it. I want to try.

I don’t really know how to work this out with school and licensure and a profession looming. But I’ll figure out a way. Because somehow, I feel like the only way to find myself again, after losing so much, is to write.

And read.

And so that is what I plan on doing.

Love,

Rach

And thanks for patiently waiting for me to get my act together. I do hope I can do better in the future. J

(What is your favorite piece of clothing that makes you feel you? What are your accessories that scream at you that they belong with you, on you?)

(And for the love of all that is holy, AM I CRAZY? Those of you who have read my writing, is this possible? I need some encouragement cause like I said, I’m awful scared.)

Catch-Up

Well, friends, it's been a while since I've posted. Let me tell you why:

The end of this semester was CRAZY!! Definitely the most stressful end-of-semester-rush I've ever had. Not only did I have presentations, papers, and beastly take-home finals, I also was getting started with my internship. Less than a day after I had my last assignment in, I saw my first client in internship (it went great! Thanks for asking). Plus I got really, really sick. Plus I wanted to hang out with Malorie (my best friend). Plus I went to Austin for a wedding. Plus I slept. And watched TV. So, I was quite busy. And it was stressful. And I am still stressed with Internship...it's crazy getting started. 

Anyway - less talk, more pictures!!

Sarah and I decided that with our new apartment we would paint our names to put on each of our walls. We bought the letters in October, maybe November. We just painted them Saturday. Yes, that is how busy we both have been. But we finally did it and I LOVE how mine turned out! So if you ever come to my apartment and forget my name, don't worry! It's on the wall!! :)

I mentioned some time back about how we planted some Oregano and we were really excited about it. Well, our little Oregano's are growing so big!! I'm so proud of them! They are so cute!!

We also finally planted more herb-garden-like-stuff the past little while. Basil, parsley, chives, lavendar, forget-me-not, impati..something that looks like impatients, and blue bonnets. Some of them aren't growing as fast as we want them to, but we talk to them everyday to make sure they know they are loved. (Remember how I explained my talking to the Oregano guys? Baby voice, eyebrows furrowed, lips puckered and lower lip sticking out. It's a sure fire method to help little plants grow. Promise! Try it! This method also works with dogs and babies. Not necessarily the growing part, but definitely knowing they are loved part). 

So on Friday I was telling Sarah that Becca had texted her. Only...it came out all wrong. Somehow my brain switched the words and I said, "Oh by the way, did you know Texta Becca-ed you?" And then I started walking away. Then I realized what I said. I cocked my head to the side (you know, like dogs do when they're confused - at least I think they're confused - cause that's what I am when I cock my head to the side) and pulled my eyebrows together. I then proceeded to laugh so hard that I immediately made no sound, other than my typical this-is-so-funny-I-can't-make-any-noise-other-than-a-weird-sounding-wheeze laugh. My face turned red. I buckled over and rested my hands on my knees for support in my fit of laughter. I couldn't support my weight anymore because all my energy was going to laughing, trying to breathe, and trying even more to not wet myself (I didn't by the way - though it was a close call) and collapsed onto the floor. Luckily Sarah was quick on her feet and snapped this gem of a picture while I was dying on the floor. Good times!

Remember? I mentioned a wedding? In Austin? It was my cousin Jeremy's wedding. He married Kit. They are such a cute couple - perfect for each other. So glad we got to go and be a part of such a wonderful weekend! Welcome to the family, Kit! Here they are, cutting their cake. 

We don't see these cousins very often (which is sad since they only live a few hours away). But of course, we took the time to get fun pictures. Here are Sarah and I with Emily. She made a face in the picture we took right before this, so we got her back in this picture. My jaw looks quite disconnected, yes? I owe that weird face to my rather large bottom lip. Yes!

 Here is Sarah with Jennifer. Somehow we didn't manage to get a picture with me in there too, which I am quite sad about. I guess we'll just have to bring Jennifer down from Oklahoma to fix that problem. I really enjoyed getting to spend more time with Jennifer as adults. As kids, with her being so much older than I, we weren't close. But now, I think this weekend laid the groundwork for a good cousin-ship!

Here's Sarah, Katrina, Andie, and I. Sadly, this off-center picture is the last and best of about 10. Sarah is usually very skilled at the self-portrait, but this pose just would not cooperate. Sorry you only have half a face, Sarah!

This one was off too, and I cut Sarah out of it because I knew she would be upset if I left her in. She looked great with her pouty-face, but she doesn't think so. Can't do a day of picture taking without at least one kissy-smirky picture! :)

We were SO SO SO excited that Grandma was able to come down from Utah for the wedding. Thanks so much for travelling with her, Aunt Lori!! This was originally just a picture of Mom and Grandma, but I photobombed them! It turned out quite successfully, I think. Grandma looks like she's glaring at Mom, but I'm sure they're are still on friendly terms. 

Oh goodness, I love my Grandma!!! I'm glad we got a picture together! Normally our pictures are of us sitting down, so it's nice to have a standing one. Now if only we can get Grandma to not complain about taking pictures while the picture is being taken so she'll be smiling! But even though she was talking here, I still think this is a great picture! I might even put it on my wall! Hows that, Grandma? (Oh yeah...speaking of pictures on walls, I still need to get you one, Grandma. I'm working on it, I promise! Sorry it's taken me, oh 2 years to get that to you, but I will soon!) Love you, Grandma!

I'm pretty sure my Mom has the best mother-in-law around. I hope I luck out that much someday. These two have a great relationship and have given me a high standard of what to hope for with my in-laws. Sorry both of your eyes are almost closed! But you both still look fabulous!

This picture of Grandma and Sarah is pretty much the best ever. I think it might be the best picture that was taken all day by our cameras (not better than the real wedding pictures, just the ones on our phones). Sarah needs to put it up in her room! Grandma - you're gorgeous!!!

I still cannot believe my little baby niece is 13. And a half! She is growing up so much (sometimes way more than any of us want or are ready for). But Andie and I are becoming very good friends. Though she gets on our nerves sometimes (like any 13 year old - I sure know I got on people's nerves - I even got on my own nerves quite often!), I look forward to any time I get to spend with her. She's a pretty cool chic. Love you, Andie!

Of course, I have to pull a face while everyone else is smiling. I just wouldn't be me if I didn't. :)

I sure do love my sister! We are so dang cute! Especially in our boots! Yee-haw!!

Yeah, we're cute! And glowing. And awesome. And more fun than you can even handle. It's true, just ask me! 

 I am always impressed by my ability to make faces in a split-second. I saw Sarah point her phone at me and pulled this face with basically no warning! I crack myself up! 

And now that things are less crazy I will be back to blogging on a much more regular basis. YES!

Best Weekend EVER

I had a fabulous weekend! I’m still basking in the joy it brought me! It may seem pretty normal to some, but it was definitely not for me.

Weekends are typically pretty boring for me. They include doing homework, feeling bad for not doing enough of said homework, and feeling exhausted from the side effects of 2 medications I take on Friday nights. That’s about it.

The past few weeks have been especially busy and the weekends especially boring. Though I am proud of myself for all the work I’ve gotten done, I’ve been way too busy and way too stressed.

Well, I decided that this weekend, even though I had a paper to write and books to read, I was just going to have fun and not stress myself out. And that is just what I did!

Thursday after class I finally bought myself an iPhone. (yes, it is amazing. Yes, I am so glad I bought it. Yes, I have a super cute teal otterbox. And, surprisingly, no, I am not completely attached to it.) Then Sarah and I went to my best friend Malorie’s house. We brought Taco Bell (cause it’s her favorite). We watched the new Three Musketeers (which is so so good!). We played with little Allie (who is the cutest little girl in the world). We talked about life (the good and the bad). We looked at the picture book Malorie is making of Allie’s first year (I made it in a few times! YES!). We stayed until 12:30 (and would have stayed longer, but Sarah had to work). It was wonderful! (and I can’t think of anything else to put in parentheses for that one…)

Friday I went to the Temple with Mom. I love going to the House of the Lord, leaving the world behind and worshipping God. I was able to feel the Spirit, pour my heart out to my Heavenly Father, and feel so much comfort that even though my life may not be going exactly how I want it to, my Father knows what He is doing and everything will work out how it is supposed to.

When I got home, I read the new book, Heaven is Here by Stephanie Nielson. I don’t want to say too much about it now, cause I’m planning a whole post based on it. But it was such a good read! Check it out! Though I didn’t love waking up the next morning with majorly puffy eyes from crying. It was definitely worth it though.

THEN the best part. Saturday Sarah, Malorie, Allie, and I went to the Zoo! I don’t think I’ve ever been to the Houston Zoo, even though I grew up an hour away. Maybe I did for a field trip or something when I was younger, but I definitely don’t remember it. It was so fun! We stayed for 5 hours. We saw almost everything. Later in the afternoon most everything was asleep which was a bummer, but it was still fun. We’ll have to plan better next time.

My favorite parts were:

The Otters (and Allie)

Holding baby Allie

Petting the Sheep-y! (though I was sad he wasn't fluffier...)

Seeing Cosmo the Cougar while wearing BYU gear (Ok, he wasn't Cosmo, but he was a cougar! He's hard to see, but he's up there!)

Holding Allie some more

Our oranges lunch break

The little monkey! (I was very excited if you can't tell!)

The elephants (poor Allie was a little scared)

We had so much fun!!! We came back to the apartment, ate Chick-fil-a, took a nap while watching Anastasia, and I held Allie for an hour and a half while she slept (really is there anything better than holding a sleeping baby? I don’t think so! And I was so proud of her for staying quiet with me so her tired mommy could sleep. She is growing up!). We spent another like 3 hours together, just hanging out. Not doing anything in particular. It was so wonderful. I don’t think I’ve been able to spend that much time with Malorie since she got married in 2008. We were together for 12 hours! I have the best, best friend in the world and I love spending time with her more than almost anything else. I am so grateful for her and our friendship. I don’t deserve it, but I’m glad she sees something good in me. I’m pretty sure we should have been sisters. I love you, Malorie!!! Thanks for being such a wonderful friend!!

Another particularly wonderful part of the weekend was hearing Allie say my name so much. She’s been saying it for a little over a month, but I wasn’t sure she knew who went with the name. But she does! Malorie had her practice saying our names on the way to pick us up. Then she said our names a lot throughout the day, which was wonderful. THEN later in the day I was in the bathroom and could hear her saying, “Where Rachel?” I about DIED!! It made me so stinkin’ happy! Then apparently she screamed our names on the way home. AWW!! I love that little girl so much! Thanks for sharing your beautiful daughter with me, Malorie!

I love my life! I had such a good weekend. And because I was doing things I wanted to, I didn’t feel bad for not doing my homework. Normally I just waste time and then get mad at myself for being lazy. Not this time! I loved every second of it!

And I’m also proud that I forced myself to stay on campus to write my paper until I finished it today. Yay!

2/30: Fears, Tonight’s Thoughts

To know what I'm talking about, read this.

Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears:

1) I’m pretty freaking scared to death of spiders. I’m not really sure where this fear came from. When I was a kid, there was a huge banana spider outside my bedroom window and I wasn’t afraid of it. Now, if that happened, I’d die. I don’t know what changed to make me scared. But oh boy, I am! I have too many scary spider stories. I can’t even type them cause they freak me out. Some of you have probably heard them. Please note: I just typed some key words about them to explain how horrible they are, but got too freaked out and deleted it. A friend of mine convinced me to let a tarantula climb on my arm (for moral support – she wanted to for a specific reason but needed someone to do it with her and because I love her so much, I agreed). Fortunately for me, she never got it set up, so I got out of it. Thank goodness. I probably would have had a heart attack and died. Just talking about this gives me the heebie-geebies! I think I need to take a shower after typing about this…

2) I’m scared of crazy bridges. Not just your normal, run-of-the-mill bridges. I can handle short ones or straight ones just fine. The ones that get me are the super long or super curvy ones. For example, most of the on-ramps for Beltway 8 in Houston freak me right out. I have to focus on my breathing and tell myself repeatedly that I’m not going to die. For some unknown reason, I always think that something is going to happen to the car and I’m going to lose control and careen over the edge of the bridge and die. It’s kinda horrible. I also always get just a bit anxious when I drive to Galveston on those long bridges. It’s not too bad, but I am a little hyper-aware on bridges like that. The worst example of this was when I was driving to Florida. There’s this huge bridge through some swamp in Louisiana. It’s something like 50 miles long. It takes an hour to drive on. Nothing but swamp for miles and miles. I couldn’t help but think about how the bridge was surely going to collapse and then we’d crash into the water but we wouldn’t die in the car – we’d be able to get out but then we’d have to swim to land, but that wouldn’t be for another 20 miles so we’d definitely either drown or get eaten by alligators. And with my luck it would be either my mom or my niece that got attacked first and then I’d have to fight off the gator and…and…and… So many horrible things went through my mind the first time we crossed it. The second time – it was even worse. EW! I’m never driving on that bridge ever again.

3) I’m afraid of leaving this life and it being like I never existed. I’m afraid of being forgotten. I’m afraid that when I die hardly anyone will be at my funeral. I’m afraid that there will be no mark left behind because of me. Now, I know that these things won’t happen. But my fear of being irrelevant drives a lot of what I do with my life. I want my life to have meaning, not for my own benefit, but for others. I want to do things that influence other people for good. I want them to feel the love of God because they knew me. I want to help them in their hard times. I want to life them up and give them hope. And if I’m successful in doing that, I don’t have to be afraid of my life having no meaning. In some ways as I’m writing this I feel incredibly narcissistic. But mostly I realize that because I value helping others so much and want so badly to do that, I’m afraid that I will fail.

In other news...

Today I had a cool experience. I got to observe some Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. I’ve been really interested in this model of therapy for a while, have read a book, seen some videos. But I’ve never seen it live until tonight. It was SUCH a good session. Amazing things happened. I could not believe how much progress I saw in just one session. I already thought I wanted to use this model, but wasn’t completely sold yet. After seeing tonight, I am 110% sold. I loved it! I was glued to it! I cried, I laughed, I thought deeply. I can’t say enough wonderful things about this session. A lot of people may say that emotions don’t matter that much. I don’t buy it. They matter so much. Beneath everything, there is an emotion that affects us. We learn to ignore it and deny, but it’s there. And when we let it out – oh man! That’s where the magic happens. For various reasons, I almost didn’t go tonight. I am SO glad I did. My experience was invaluable!

I also took the MMPI today. It’s a personality assessment. It’s 566 questions or something ridiculous like that. It took me an hour. I thought my hand was going to fall off. Seriously. It was insane. Don’t ever take it, unless you enjoy the feeling of immense pain in your hand from meticulously filling in over 500 stupid little circles til you go crazy.

Also – I’ve been boycotting Glee since the episode in the Fall about the characters all having sex. I don’t think we should encourage sexual activity in teenagers. Some may disagree, but I feel pretty strong about it. However, my sis and I found out that Matt Bomer was going to be on last night. We absolutely adore him. Like, I’m fairly positive he is the most attractive man that has ever lived. So, we gave in on our boycott for one night. And let me tell ya – it was the best decision ever. Matt Bomer on his own is pretty fantastic. Add him singing and there is just nothing better. If you didn’t see it, you should look up the song he sang on youtube, Somebody that I used to know. SO GOOD! I love me some Matt Bomer!!

Night!!

Procrastination

Words, so many words. And none of them fun.

I’m trying to do research for a presentation I have Tuesday at 1. My brain is having a very hard time staying focused. If I’m gonna look at pages and pages of words, I want them to be fun. This is boring. Boo. I am so distracted! But at least it's with something much more entertaining - me!

Why yes, I do sometimes take breaks from homework by taking pictures of myself in a dang-cute hat with my face and hair lookin’ fantastic while neck down I’m in my purple, starry nightgown. Don’t you?

In other news, have you seen the new edible Easter basket grass? It’s blue and pink and green. It’s especially Green because it reduces plastic waste. It takes it away from the landfills and puts it instead in our little tummies (the waste and the grass part, not the plastic part – I would never recommend eating normal, boring, tasteless, plastic Easter basket grass). Sarah added it to our surprise Easter baskets this year. Partly because we had both already said we were curious how it would taste and partly because silly Target ran out of the normal, wastey Easter grass. I was pretty excited to try it. I ripped off a piece of the pink grass and shoved it in my mouth as fast as I could. Then I pulled it back out to look at it closer thinking, “wait, this is the edible stuff, right? Cause I don’t taste a thing!” It mostly just tasted like paper. Which is I guess a little better than plastic. I realized I would never know this pink grass’ true identity unless I tried it again. I turned the corners of my mouth down, shrugged my shoulders while raising my eyebrows and popped it back in. Paper, definitely paper. Oh wait! Its dissolving. Ohhh, there’s the flavor. Turns out it has to dissolve before it lets the light flavor seep out. It’s okay, but nothing to freak out about. I’m glad Sarah got some cause otherwise I would have wondered for the rest of eternity what the edible grass tasted like. Now I know. Where was this stuff when I was a baby and would often eat dirt and grass while my parents videotaped me (rather than stopping me)? It would have come in very handy.

My Easter morning surprise! Thanks, Sarah!

Sarah also got us fun new herb/flower gardening stuff! 8 new packets of seeds! I can’t wait til this presentation is done so we can plant them! As you can see, the pots and patio table are all teal. So is the little owl planter decoration thing we have so loving named Owlie. He's a hoot and a half! (did you catch that? hehe) We have such a skill for giving personalities to cute inanimate objects.

I’m not the kind of girl who claims to have a signature color because what does that even mean and what makes them so special they can claim a color anyway? But if I was one of those girls, teal would mine. I think this arose out of my love affair with the color green while I was married to blue. Blue was my favorite color for as long as I can remember. Then all of a sudden green started growing on me and I felt like I was cheating on my blue-hued love. Then I realized that (unlike in real affair situations which I highly discourage) I could combine my loves and make teal. And what a glorious epiphany that was! My life will never be the same.

Thanks to my friends Stephanie and Brianne for feeding me delicious dinner. The steak was perfectly cooked, the candied yams were delectable with their marshmallows, cinnamon, and oats, the green bean casserole provided the perfect dipping for my roll, and the pretzel salad made my heart sing. Thanks for being such great friends. J I’m super excited about our season tickets to the Hobby Center. I feel all kinds of cultured at the mere thought of the theater productions we shall see.

And now, back to the no-fun, make-me-want-to-do-anything-but-read-them words…

G’night!

2 years!

The whole Church is celebrating my 2 year anniversary of being home from my mission! Oh, wait, no – that’s General Conference. Oops! J Watch it here.

For any readers who are not LDS, General Conference is a twice-a-year event in which all members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints gather to listen to the leadership of our Church. We believe that, just like in New Testament times, Christ’s Church is led by ordained Prophets and Apostles. This is our chance to hear what the Spirit has revealed to them that we need to hear to help us in these times, with our own personal trials. It’s amazing! The Spirit is so strong during Conference. Check it out! Or for more info on what I believe, click here!

Today marks two years since I came home from spending the best 18-months of my life serving the Lord in the best mission in the world (Florida Jacksonville!). I learned so much, felt the guidance of the Spirit every day, met some of the best people in the world, and strengthened my testimony of Jesus Christ more than I could have in any other way. I still miss it every single day.

I can’t believe it has been two years that I’ve been home. It certainly doesn’t feel like it. I can’t help but look over the past two years and think about what my life has been like since serving Christ as one of His missionaries.

In the past two years, I:

Went back to Florida to visit my mission twice. Once about a month after getting home and again this past Christmas to see the baptisms of a wonderful friend and her son who I taught while serving in Lake Butler.

Fell in love with my best friend’s daughter, Allie. She was due the day I came home from the mission, but was 11 days early – I can’t believe she’s two already! Love her SO much!

Went on a cruise with my awesome sister, Sarah, to Key West Florida and the Bahamas.

Went to San Diego to see a dear friend get married.

Saw Wicked – a dream come true.

Received training to work on a huge research project at BYU, the Flourishing Families Project. I had previously helped out by doing data collection in Seattle before my mission. This time I did behavioral and relational coding for some of the taped interviews. With this, I also made some amazing friends who I now miss dearly.

Started my senior year at BYU.

Also worked at the Dean’s Office in the School of Education. Made some great friends here too, and got used to wearing business casual to work. Good thing, since I’ll be doing that forever.

Studied and took the GRE. EWW! I’m SO glad that’s over. I did about averagely on the verbal and quantitative sections, but did pretty darn well on the writing section.

Applied for graduate school at BYU and University of Houston – Clear Lake.

Got invited for interviews at both schools and went to both.

Got accepted into both programs!

Decided to go to UHCL. Oh man, that was a hard decision!

Went to the Houston Rodeo twice – saw Rascal Flatts the first time, and Blake Shelton this year. (Oh yeah, and I finally bought my first pair of cowboy boots for the rodeo this year!!)

Learned how to belly dance with my roommates!! It was a blast and I miss it a lot! But let me tell ya, these hips don’t lie! J

Spend some time at my parent’s cabin in Island Park, including a little vacation with some of my friends from the coding lab. So much fun!!

GRADUATED from BYU in Marriage, Family, and Human Development. Oh yeah, and I graduated Magna Cum Laude!! All that hard work paid off!

Started graduate school to get a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy.

Got hired as a TA for one of my Professors, still doing that til May.

Made lots of new friends, both at school and at church, who I love.

Got called as a Relief Society teacher.

Got officially diagnosed with a chronic illness and started treatment (more posts on that specifically to follow).

Had 5 weeks off for Christmas (compared to the usual 2 at BYU) and my first Spring Break since graduating high school in 2005.

Started seeing clients in Practicum, and have already terminated with one couple!

WHOO! That’s all I can think of right now, though I am sure there are a lot more. Though the past two years have been really hard in many ways, they’ve also been great. Life hasn’t given me what I expected, or wanted, but I know that Heavenly Father knows what He is doing. He has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself and all of these little things, expected or not, are shaping me into the person He wants me to be. I am truly blessed!

And now, I’m goin’ to Shipleys before the next session of Conference starts. Again, you can watch it HERE!!

Happy Saturday, all!

there is no reason for this picture, other than that it cracks me up... :)

After All We Can Do, Narnia Style

The Chronicles of Narnia are pretty much my all time favorite books and movies. Some may say the movies aren't that great, but I absolutely LOVE them. I just re-watched Prince Caspian for about the 20th time tonight while doing some work that didn't require a huge amount of brainpower. There is a scene in this movie that brought me to tears the first time I saw it and brings me close to that each time I've seen it since. Do you remember this part?

Let me remind you in case you forgot. Peter, Susan, Edmund, Prince Caspian and the Narnians are fighting the Telmarines who are trying to take over Narnia. Before the battle started, they sent Lucy out to see if she could find Aslan because she was too young to fight. And because she was the only one who believed in Aslan enough to have seen him since they returned. She's in the middle of the woods and Aslan finally shows up, awakens the trees and sends them to fight with the rest of Narnia. The trees completely freak out the Telmarines and they retreat to the river. They get to the bridge they had built and stop. Lucy, little Lucy, is standing alone on the other side of the bridge. She reaches into her cloak and pulls out her little dagger, cocks her head to the side, inviting them over, and waits. Then Aslan walks up next to her, roars really loud to call the river spirit to come destroy the bridge and the battle is over.

Do you realize how amazing this scene is?! Some people when I've talked with them about it, don't see any significance, but to me it is huge. Here's Lucy. She's little. She probably fought plenty during their first stay in Narnia, but now she's back to her small body and her siblings think she is too weak to fight. She probably is too weak physically. But she goes, she pulls out her dagger and she stands on the other side of the bridge waiting for a whole army to come towards her. She never looked away, never flinched. Just stood there, completely confident. But where did her confidence lie? In Aslan. I'm sure she knew she would not be able to fight the Telmarines on her own, but she also knew that she wouldn't have to. But the great part is, she was willing and ready to do her part, small as it may be. She would have fought fiercely with that dagger if Aslan had asked her to. She was ready to fight the forces coming toward her, because she had someone infinitely more powerful than them by her side.

Are you catching the connection here? We need to be Lucy!!! We are all constantly standing across from evil forces who want nothing more than to bring us down. To destroy us, whether physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually. We stand against the forces of Satan. And we need to pull out our daggers, ready to fight them head on. Because we do fight them everyday. With every temptation to do wrong, or not do right, we are fighting the might of Satan. And really, we don't have that much to fight him with on our own. But, thanks be to God, we are NOT alone. We, like Lucy, have someone infinitely more powerful than the forces we face standing by our sides. Jesus Christ, who Aslan represents in so many beautiful ways, is there with us every step of the way. He can handle those forces. He can protect us from harm. All He asks is that we do what we can with what we are given. Lucy didn't have a sword or a bow and arrows. She had a tiny dagger. But she used it. She did everything she could, small as it may have been, and Aslan took care of the rest. That is exactly what Christ does for us. He asks that we give Him all we can. It doesn't matter the amount, but that it is truly and honestly our best. And He takes care of us. He not only fights the forces of Satan for and with us, but He takes away our sins when we lose a little bit of the battle. He makes us clean again. How amazing is that?? Right now I kinda feel like I have a plastic butter knife to fight with. It's not much. But I am doing all I can to try to fight Satan in my own way and I know that my Savior is by my side, helping me fight and making me stronger. I could not accomplish anything without Him. But because of His amazing Grace, I don't have to ever be alone.

One of my favorite verses in the Book of Mormon is 2 Nephi 25:23.

"For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by grace we are saved, after all we can do."

I used to think that meant we had to be basically perfect, and then the grace filled in. But that's not how it works at all. All we can do doesn't have to be perfection. Sometimes all we can do is very small. But He knows what that is and His grace covers EVERYTHING else. We just need to honestly try. Not only does grace cover us after all we can do, but despite all we can do. Because even the best person cannot even come close to saving him or herself. We are NOWHERE without the grace of Jesus Christ. He loves us so much that as long as we are willing to let Him be in our lives, He will take care of everything else.

So how about it? I want to be like Lucy. She is my #1 fictional hero. I want to have the faith that Lucy has to fight with my dagger trusting wholeheartedly on my Lion, my Savior who never leaves my side. What about you? Will you stand up and be like Lucy too?