Monday, Monday

Well, Conference weekend is officially over. Tonight I'm going to download all the talks to my iPod so I can listen to them on my 40-minute-each-way commute. I'm pretty excited about that.

I had planned on posting something last night, but then my sister and I had some friends over for dinner. They just got back from visiting Australia for two weeks. We missed them a lot and are glad they are home safely! I made authentic Navajo Fry Bread, which I learned how to make from a dear friend in Florida, Sis LaFontaine. She's a full-blooded Navajo and has been making fry bread since she was 4 years old or something. I don't make it nearly as well, in fact, I used the KitchenAid to mix the dough, which is probably a sin. But each time I make it, I get a little better. The first time I attempted fry bread, each one was only barely bigger than the palm of my hand and shaped all weird. This time, some were still a little smaller than I would have liked, but some were big and fat, almost like she makes them. One ended up looking like a butterfly...not really sure how that happened, but whatever. It was delicious! Thanks, Sis LaFontaine, for teaching me to make Fry Bread and for being such a great friend and example of selfless, Christlike service!

After dinner, I still planned on writing, but then my sister turned on Holmes Inspection. Oh. Great. Day. That show makes me so terrified to ever buy a house. I think I'll get like 5 inspections done before I ever buy a house. Then someday if I am ever able to build a house, I will tell them, "Use that blue wood that doesnt mold and that purple foam spray stuff and that membrane junk around the foundation to keep out water." I like to use technical terms like that. I'm pretty smart. :) But seriously, that show makes me never want to live in a house, or an apartment... but then I remember living outside wouldn't be any better. Ew. I think I get freaked out by gross things way too easily.

Then I realized I had a ton of homework to do including reading about 100 pages of a book on how to get past affairs. I think I have decided that while I definitely want to work with couples, and inevitably there will be some who have had affairs, I definitely do not want to specialize in affairs. I'm glad there are people who do that, but I don't think it's my cup of tea. Which is good, since I don't drink tea.

So now, on Monday morning before heading to campus, I am finally getting to the blog. I even wrote it in planner of things to do today. I have a busy week ahead of me, and with the experiment, I need to make sure I make time for blogging.

Which brings me to the point of all of this. I hate Mondays. Especially Mondays like today when I have an insane amount of homework to do this week and I woke up 45 minutes before my alarm. That was annoying. I toss and turn all night long and I woke myself up because I was all tangled in my sheets and untangling myself took enough energy and brain power that I couldn't fall back asleep. Does that ever happen to anyone else? I'm still mad about it! This week I have to present a journal article on solution focused therapy, write a 10-15 page paper on emotionally focused couples therapy, research and prepare a presentation on Asperger's Syndrome, and read for classes. EW! I'm a little worried.

It's times like these when I wish I wasn't still in school. Right now, I would so much rather:

Play French Horn in a symphony. I used to dream of playing with the Orchestra at Temple Square. Or being in the pit for Broadway musicals. Or be in orchestras used for movie soundtracks. Right now, I'd even settle for having a French Horn at all. I have a mouth piece. And a practice mute. And lots of music. But no horn. Anyone wanna buy me one? The ones I want are only like $4,000... I miss French Horn so much sometimes that it hurts. I think after I graduate and have a job, it'll be the first big purchase I make. And let me tell ya, I can't wait.

Be a book critic. I love reading. More than I can even express. I think the thing I hate most about being in school is that during the semester, I barely have time to read. I love all kinds of books. I love it when I'm reading and the rest of the world falls away. I become so engrossed in the story that I become the characters in my mind. I feel what they feel and want what they want. A whole new world opens up with each book I read and I get to experience so many things I could never experience on my own. I could go on and on about how much I love reading. Eventually I'll get that booklist tab finished and share more with you all about my love of books. But wouldn't it be great to get paid to read?

Be independently wealthy and travel the world. I think today would be a great day to visit the pyramids in Egypt. Or walk along the Great Wall of China. Or swim in the Great Barrier Reef. Or visit the Louvre. Or take a cruise to Alaska and walk on a glacier. Or bungee jump in New Zealand. Or ice fish in Denmark. Or see the world's tallest building in Dubai. Or canoe down the Amazon. The list could go on and on.... I think I need more money and vacation.

But unfortunately, I can't do any of those things today. Instead, I'll drive to campus in the rain, file some stuff and enter data for work, do some research, go to class, drive home, and do more research. And I'll do it with a smile on my face. Cause I know I am doing what I'm supposed to at this point in my life. I love learning how to be a therapist. And oddly, I do like school. And even though I can't do all those things I want to, I can dream about them. And that's enough.

Happy Monday, all!

Here I am with my head in the clouds! (Actually this was taken last summer while rafting in Island Park, Idaho. Best second home ever!)

2 years!

The whole Church is celebrating my 2 year anniversary of being home from my mission! Oh, wait, no – that’s General Conference. Oops! J Watch it here.

For any readers who are not LDS, General Conference is a twice-a-year event in which all members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints gather to listen to the leadership of our Church. We believe that, just like in New Testament times, Christ’s Church is led by ordained Prophets and Apostles. This is our chance to hear what the Spirit has revealed to them that we need to hear to help us in these times, with our own personal trials. It’s amazing! The Spirit is so strong during Conference. Check it out! Or for more info on what I believe, click here!

Today marks two years since I came home from spending the best 18-months of my life serving the Lord in the best mission in the world (Florida Jacksonville!). I learned so much, felt the guidance of the Spirit every day, met some of the best people in the world, and strengthened my testimony of Jesus Christ more than I could have in any other way. I still miss it every single day.

I can’t believe it has been two years that I’ve been home. It certainly doesn’t feel like it. I can’t help but look over the past two years and think about what my life has been like since serving Christ as one of His missionaries.

In the past two years, I:

Went back to Florida to visit my mission twice. Once about a month after getting home and again this past Christmas to see the baptisms of a wonderful friend and her son who I taught while serving in Lake Butler.

Fell in love with my best friend’s daughter, Allie. She was due the day I came home from the mission, but was 11 days early – I can’t believe she’s two already! Love her SO much!

Went on a cruise with my awesome sister, Sarah, to Key West Florida and the Bahamas.

Went to San Diego to see a dear friend get married.

Saw Wicked – a dream come true.

Received training to work on a huge research project at BYU, the Flourishing Families Project. I had previously helped out by doing data collection in Seattle before my mission. This time I did behavioral and relational coding for some of the taped interviews. With this, I also made some amazing friends who I now miss dearly.

Started my senior year at BYU.

Also worked at the Dean’s Office in the School of Education. Made some great friends here too, and got used to wearing business casual to work. Good thing, since I’ll be doing that forever.

Studied and took the GRE. EWW! I’m SO glad that’s over. I did about averagely on the verbal and quantitative sections, but did pretty darn well on the writing section.

Applied for graduate school at BYU and University of Houston – Clear Lake.

Got invited for interviews at both schools and went to both.

Got accepted into both programs!

Decided to go to UHCL. Oh man, that was a hard decision!

Went to the Houston Rodeo twice – saw Rascal Flatts the first time, and Blake Shelton this year. (Oh yeah, and I finally bought my first pair of cowboy boots for the rodeo this year!!)

Learned how to belly dance with my roommates!! It was a blast and I miss it a lot! But let me tell ya, these hips don’t lie! J

Spend some time at my parent’s cabin in Island Park, including a little vacation with some of my friends from the coding lab. So much fun!!

GRADUATED from BYU in Marriage, Family, and Human Development. Oh yeah, and I graduated Magna Cum Laude!! All that hard work paid off!

Started graduate school to get a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy.

Got hired as a TA for one of my Professors, still doing that til May.

Made lots of new friends, both at school and at church, who I love.

Got called as a Relief Society teacher.

Got officially diagnosed with a chronic illness and started treatment (more posts on that specifically to follow).

Had 5 weeks off for Christmas (compared to the usual 2 at BYU) and my first Spring Break since graduating high school in 2005.

Started seeing clients in Practicum, and have already terminated with one couple!

WHOO! That’s all I can think of right now, though I am sure there are a lot more. Though the past two years have been really hard in many ways, they’ve also been great. Life hasn’t given me what I expected, or wanted, but I know that Heavenly Father knows what He is doing. He has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself and all of these little things, expected or not, are shaping me into the person He wants me to be. I am truly blessed!

And now, I’m goin’ to Shipleys before the next session of Conference starts. Again, you can watch it HERE!!

Happy Saturday, all!

there is no reason for this picture, other than that it cracks me up... :)

The Experiment

I have a love/hate relationship with this here blog you’re reading. I love the last few things I’ve written on it, since starting grad school. I hate the fact that I’ve only written 4 times since then. I love the idea of having a blog, but I hate how I feel inadequate to have anything to say most of the time. I love writing, or at least want to love writing, but I hate…writing. (How does that even make sense?!) I love sharing my ideas with people but I hate feeling like a failure when I go 3 months between posts. See my dilemma? It’s a doosey.

As some of you may have seen a few weeks ago on Facebook, I stayed up til 4 am my first night of spring break reading blogs. Oops. See, I’ve always heard people talk about all the great blogs they read and thought, “how on earth do they find these blogs? Cause I can’t find any.” Then I stumbled upon Hopes and Dreams through pinterest. And she linked to C. Jane and NieNie, so I found them too. And I think I might be a little bit addicted. Just slightly though…I haven’t stayed up til 4am again. That’s good, right?

I always thought that I couldn’t have a real blog because I’m single and in school and am too busy to do a ton of fun things. My perception of blogs was that they are there to share with family and friends all the fun things you’ve done with your husband and kids and how wonderful and perfect your life is. Well, that doesn’t really work for me. Because I have no husband or kids, and sometimes my life is kind of boring because I’m working hard in school to become a Marriage and Family Therapist.

Then I discovered these blogs. And yes, the writers are all married. And they all have kids. And they all do fun, exciting things. But, that's not the only thing their blogs are about. In reading I came across posts that made me think, “huh – I could write something like that…” All these ideas came into my mind about how I can use my blog and have fun with it and not feel inadequate because of the stage in life I’m in. So, that’s what I’m going to do.

And here’s why. In reading those blogs, I have seen myself in these other women’s experiences and thoughts. They’ve got me thinking about things and about myself and about the world in ways that I wouldn’t have thought on my own. I gained strength from them to help me in my hard moments. I have more thoroughly found myself in their writing. That’s kind of weird sounding, but I am loving it!

So, I want to do that for other people. I think there are thoughts, ideas, experiences, trials, that I have that might be able to help someone else. Or just entertain them. Or make them grateful for their lives. Or make them think about things from a new perspective. That’s exciting to me.

Here’s the experiment. I am going to be an active blogger for the next 3 months. It’s my trial period to see if I like it, if I can come up with things to write about, if I feel like people are reading and being helped. Three months, then I’ll reevaluate and decide if I want to keep it up or let it go.

So, here’s where you can come in. If you like what I write, if you want me to continue writing, let me know! Either on facebook, in comments, or send me an email. Click that follow button at the top left side of your screen. Because though I am doing this for myself, if I’m not reaching anyone at all, I’m more likely to stop when my experiment is over.

Thanks for sharing this journey with me!

Moving Mountains

Coming home from a mission is hard. I was asked a few days ago what the hardest thing about being home is. Luckily, I had been thinking about that a lot lately, so I knew how to answer. This might take some explaining – so, I hope it makes sense.

As a missionary, I had almost daily experiences that reassured me that the Lord was directing my life. There were so many times that I could back on my day and see how the Lord had led me to accomplish His work. There were even many times that bad things would happen, but by the end of the day I could look back and see that those things had to happen for something else good to happen. For example, I was sick most of my mission. I actu
ally developed rheumatoid arthritis about halfway through. Because I was so sick, there were times that I was not able to get out and work as much or as hard as I wanted to. It was a daily struggle that had a big impact on my confidence as a missionary and my feelings of self worth. But when these negative feelings would get really bad, the Lord would give me an experience to show me that He was still pleased with my efforts. He knew my limitations and knew that I was doing the best I could and He blessed me for that. Many days when I wasn't able to do much because I was sick, we would find someone who just got home from work, or had only a few minutes that they were available, or some other time constraint, that if we had not gotten there exactly when we did, we would have completely missed that person and lost the opportunity to help them feel the Spirit by testifying of Christ and His restored Gospel. The Spirit would hit me so hard during these times that the Lord knew my situation and directed my day perfectly so we would find who we needed to find, when we needed to. It was amazing every single time. I grew to rely on this direct guidance of the Spirit and crave it. I loved seeing the Lord direct my life, in large and small things. My testimony grew so much and I learned over and over again the power of TRUSTING in the Lord to use me as an instrument in His hands.

Fast forward to now. I’ve been home for 21 months. There have been times that I have seen the Lord’s hand in my life. He has directed me and I have tried to keep the Spirit with me so that I could be led according to God’s will. But life is different now. I wake up, I go to class and work, come home, study, and go to bed. There isn’t as much need for the Lord to direct my life because it is routine. I know I am where I need to be and for the most part, doing what I need to be doing. But I no longer get the daily assurances of the Spirit that I am where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing to serve God and bring about His purposes. I can’t complain about my life now, but it is just so different. I miss doing things that have direct and immediate implications for myself or other people. I know there are some things I can do to be more available for experiences like this, but overall this is just how non-mission life is for me right now. I’m not complaining, just recognizing that this is the hardest thing for me about not being a missionary.

This feeling in general has been weighing on me lately. This past semester was really busy. Then add on the effects of rheumatoid arthritis, and I was not able to reach outside of myself very much the past while. But I knew that I wanted to, and I prayed to be able to see the Lord’s hand directing my life. I knew that one way for me to be more readily available was through helping others, so I prayed for that as well. I just wanted to know that my life had meaning for more than just myself; that the Lord could and would still use me as an instrument in His hands to help others. So, I prayed, and tried to prepare myself. I wanted to see the Lord moving mountains in my life. Because that is when I am happiest and I needed more joy in my life.

The Lord answered my prayers!

I have a friend who was in my ward last year in Provo. Actually, when we were in Provo, I probably would have only called her an acquaintance. My roommate was much more her friend than I ever was. She was amazing. She taught Sunday School in the ward and I LOVED her lessons. I always felt the Spirit so much when she taught and I could see how much the Gospel of Christ excited her and influenced her in ways I admired and wanted for myself. She was so friendly. And she was gorgeous! I think the combination of all these attributes intimidated me. I didn’t reach out to her and become very good friends. We had a few conversations that I really enjoyed but mostly I would just watch her and think, “I wish I could be more like her. If I had to choose one person that I know to emulate, it would be her.” Then I moved back to Texas and she continued her life in Provo. I thought about her every once in a while when I would see things on facebook, or when I read her blog. But she was mostly just someone I admired and wished I could be more like. I regretted not getting closer to her, but I knew there really wasn’t anything that could be done about it. She was a missed opportunity.

Then I read her blog andshe had written about something horrible that had happened to her. She didn’t specify what it was, but I knew it was bad and my heart broke for her. I didn’t even know what happened, but I was crying for her. And I wanted to help. But what could I do? We weren’t close. I couldn’t ask her, “Hey, I know we aren’t really friends, but what happened and can I help? From Texas?” So, I prayed for her quite a few times. I put her name on the Temple prayer roll. I thought about her a lot and hoped that whatever she was going through wouldn’t keep her from being the amazing person that I knew her as. Of course, from her blog posts, I knew it wasn’t holding her back much because she knows how to completely turn to Heavenly Father in hard times. But still, I prayed. I though that was all I could ever do.

Our Relief Society had a Christmas party at the beginning of the month. I walk in and am about to sit down and then there is my friend from Provo! What?! We hugged and asked how each other was doing and went our separate ways for the meal. Turns out that she was visiting one of her old roommates who now lives in my ward. I knew that I wanted to talk to her more and ask how she was really doing, but I did not know how! So again, I prayed that if I needed to talk to her, I would have the courage to and would know what to say. At the end of the party, we were told that if we wanted to, we could help wrap present for the family we were giving Christmas to. I saw her walk towards the door, so I hurried to go talk to her, thinking she was leaving. She was just going to wrap presents, so I sat down and wrapped with her. Remember, we weren’t close at all before, so I had the hardest time knowing what to talk about! Finally, we were done wrapping and stood up and just started really talking. I don’t remember now what we talked about, but it was a good conversation. I left excited that we were better friends and hoping that in some way I was able to help her, if only giving her someone she knew to talk to in a new place. I knew she would be at the ward Christmas part the next night, so I was excited to be able to see her again and hopefully become even better friends.

The next day was horrible! I did not want to go to the activity. I didn’t feel good, my sister and I tried shopping and it was just frustrating. I was in a foul mood. I almost convinced myself to skip the ward party. The only thing that made me go was that I wanted to see my friend again and felt like I needed to talk with her more. I now know that the bad mood was just satan trying to keep us apart. I went to the party and again, waited til it was over to talk to her. I sat down and again struggled to know what to say and what to talk about. Luckily, after a few minutes we were able to get into a rather deep conversation and it was much easier to talk then. We talked about so many things! From our confusion about individual realities, to my mission, to our spiritual journeys, to the trials we were going through, to the knowledge that the Lord brought us together. It was probably the most meaningful conversation I had with someone in all of 2011. I loved every second of it. We both laughed our heads off, then cried, and didn’t even notice that almost everyone was gone and everything put away. We were just lost in our own little world.

I am still amazed by the time we shared together. She let me know that she now knew that I was the reason she came to Texas – so that I could help her, and so she could help me. I needed to know that the Lord would still use me to help other people. I had been feeling so insignificant. Then the Lord brought my friend down FROM UTAH so that I could help her. That knowledge alone helped me so much. I was able to feel the Spirit so strongly and give of myself, which I hadn’t been able to do in a long while. I was having some self-esteem problems and she just told me how great I am and I believed her. Usually I have a hard time taking compliments, but this experience was so huge and real that how could I not believe her? Things like this DO NOT just happen. There was not one second of coincidence that weekend in the time we spent together. The Lord orchestrated all of it – to help her, and to help me.

Moving Mountains.

That is exactly what Heavenly Father did with this friend and I. And every part of our story had to happen the way it did. We talked about how we wished we had become closer while we lived in the same apartment complex. And while I still wish we did and am saddened by all those missed opportunities, I think our friendship happened exactly when it needed to. Like I said, I don’t know exactly what happened to her, but from what I knew of her before, from her blog, and from things she said, I can guess. And if we had been closer I am sure she would have felt like she needed to give me all the details, and I would have asked for them. I bet always having to talk about it is incredibly exhausting and hard for her. I am so grateful that she didn’t have to explain things to me. She could just say, “I’m going through a really hard time and it sucks!” She didn’t have to relive it. It was just like my mission – things didn’t go how I wanted them to, but they were exactly what the Lord knew needed to happen. I was upset that we weren’t friends previously, but the Lord showed me that we weren’t supposed to be yet, so that I could be there for her in a way that not many other people could. And not only was I able to be there for her, but she was able to help me in ways that I don’t think anyone else could have either. I needed her just as much as she needed me. It didn’t matter that we live 2,000 miles away from each other. Our Loving Father knew we needed each other and sent her to Houston. It had to be here, where she knew no one but me and I had a desire to make her feel welcome. And it had to be the weekend when there were two ward activities for us to see each other, because I almost never see her friend at church on Sunday because our ward is so big. Every little detail happened exact

ly how Father knew it needed to. Satan tried to prevent it. I am so grateful I did not listen to him, but followed the Spirit instead. The Lord moved so many different mountains to bring us together and I will FOREVER be grateful. I consider this girl one of my best friends. Not because we’ve spent lots of time together and know each other super well, but because we had such a deep and profound experience together. When that happens, how can you not develop an incredibly strong bond?

I feel like a different person after this experience. The Lord does still direct my life. He does love me and wants me to feel important. He has a work for me to do and I feel so much more prepared now to sacrifice myself to do Heavenly Father’s will. I am so grateful for the Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ, who made it possible for me to repent and be worthy to serve God. And for the healing power of the Atonement – to heal my friend, and to heal me.

There are a few big things in my life that I can look at and know the God lives and the Restored Gospel is true purely because those things happen. This experience with my friend from Provo is one of them. There is no way it was coincidence. If there was no other evidence that God lives and loves His children but this experience, it would be enough. We are each so loved. And the Lord will do whatever it takes to help us. Even move mountains.

“God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs.” - President Spencer W. Kimball