Darn my emotions!...

I have so many thoughts and feelings whirling around inside me right now, I don't even know how to make sense of it all. So, I'm going to write it all out instead of working on my homework. Yay for procrastination! At least with this I can feel productive in my procrastination rather than staring blankly at the TV watching other people buy houses that I want.

(Dear House Hunters on HGTV: you're making it very hard for me to keep the 10th Commandment. I am coveting my neighbor's house and their ability to afford a house and that they get to go look at houses and that some of them get to move to other countries all while I'm poor in an apartment. Shame on you for causing me to sin...)

So my co-therapist and I got a new client tonight. For confidentiality reasons, I can't say much about this client. Though, I will say that she is a girl and that she is my first client who is younger than me. I think that gets the necessary details across.

I have this problem of having WAY too much empathy for my own good. It's one of those annoying things that is both a strength and a weakness. Do you have any of those? Where you're in an interview and they ask what your biggest strength is and you answer. And then they ask you what your biggest weakness is and you say the same thing and it sounds horribly cliche and fake. But yet, it's true. It drives me crazy. But really, empathy is a big strength and a big weakness for me.

It's a strength because, hello!, I'm going to be a therapist. You need empathy to be able to align with clients and give them the caring support they need to improve their lives. I am really good at putting myself in other people's shoes and thinking about how hard being in their situation would be. I really do feel what they feel, at least to some extent. I think this is part of the reason I love reading so much - I feel the story, not just think about it. Usually, I am able to express my feelings of empathy to others and it comforts them, or at least I hope it does. There have been quite a few times when friends have told me about some of the hard things they've been through and I'm sitting there boo-hoo-ing and they don't even shed a tear. I assume this is part of what makes me a good listener and makes me one of those people that everyone goes to when they are struggling and just need someone to listen. I love being that person and I think I'm pretty good at it. See? Strength.

But then, my empathy is also a weakness. Because sometimes I have too much empathy. I put myself too far into other people's shoes and have a hard time living my own life because I am thinking too much about the other person. I become overwhelmed, at least for a little while, by pain and hurt and the desire to take all of that away from the person who shared with me.

That happened to some extent tonight. Here was this girl who was struggling with some pretty hard stuff. And though I haven't dealt with the same things she talked about, I could relate so easily to her. In some ways, she was very similar to me when I was her age and I could see myself in her. My heart broke for her. I sat there listening, trying so hard to think of every possible thing I could do to help her, and but really just wanting to sit there and cry with her. I felt so connected to her. When I let her know how strong I could tell she is, I was choking up and tearing up. And because I had so much I wanted to say I wasn't breathing enough. And, as I found out later, my chest and face turned bright red. (Which by the way, I just noticed this happens last semester. Have I always turned red in emotional or embarrassing situations? Cause I never knew). I probably looked and sounded crazy to her. But I was having such a strong emotional reaction that I couldn't help it! I held my composure (somewhat) and focused on her like I was supposed to, but inside I was a mess.

Then I drove home. Oh great day. I was even more of a mess! I always worried that my empathy would make it hard to be a therapist because it would be hard to leave work at work. And yes, it is. I thought about this girl and battled tears the whole way home. Because I want so badly to help her. To let her know that things will get better and to make things better RIGHT NOW. That she is amazing. That she has incredibly worth if only she could see it. I wanted to give her a big hug and take everything away so she could be happy. Neither of which I can do. (Stupid ethics!)

But, though I may not be able to do those things for her, there are many things I can do. I can research more on treatments that can help her. I can be at every session ready to focus solely on her. I can tell her over and over how strong she is and how much I admire her courage. I can give her hope that things will get better. I can challenge her negative thoughts so her mind can be filled with positivity. I can help her realize what resources she has available. I can make myself a better therapist. I can smile at her and reassure her and call her by name. I can help her understand and process her pains. And most of all, though she will never see it, I can pray for her.

This was the first time in doing therapy that my empathy has run away with me to aid someone else. And it is hard. It is scary. It is going to take some getting used to and I need to learn how to deal with it productively.

But would I change it? Would I want less empathy?

No, never.

Not when it can help me to help my new client. Not when it can help me to help others. Because really, out of everything I want in life, the thing I want the most, is to help as many people as I possibly can.

Monday, Monday

Well, Conference weekend is officially over. Tonight I'm going to download all the talks to my iPod so I can listen to them on my 40-minute-each-way commute. I'm pretty excited about that.

I had planned on posting something last night, but then my sister and I had some friends over for dinner. They just got back from visiting Australia for two weeks. We missed them a lot and are glad they are home safely! I made authentic Navajo Fry Bread, which I learned how to make from a dear friend in Florida, Sis LaFontaine. She's a full-blooded Navajo and has been making fry bread since she was 4 years old or something. I don't make it nearly as well, in fact, I used the KitchenAid to mix the dough, which is probably a sin. But each time I make it, I get a little better. The first time I attempted fry bread, each one was only barely bigger than the palm of my hand and shaped all weird. This time, some were still a little smaller than I would have liked, but some were big and fat, almost like she makes them. One ended up looking like a butterfly...not really sure how that happened, but whatever. It was delicious! Thanks, Sis LaFontaine, for teaching me to make Fry Bread and for being such a great friend and example of selfless, Christlike service!

After dinner, I still planned on writing, but then my sister turned on Holmes Inspection. Oh. Great. Day. That show makes me so terrified to ever buy a house. I think I'll get like 5 inspections done before I ever buy a house. Then someday if I am ever able to build a house, I will tell them, "Use that blue wood that doesnt mold and that purple foam spray stuff and that membrane junk around the foundation to keep out water." I like to use technical terms like that. I'm pretty smart. :) But seriously, that show makes me never want to live in a house, or an apartment... but then I remember living outside wouldn't be any better. Ew. I think I get freaked out by gross things way too easily.

Then I realized I had a ton of homework to do including reading about 100 pages of a book on how to get past affairs. I think I have decided that while I definitely want to work with couples, and inevitably there will be some who have had affairs, I definitely do not want to specialize in affairs. I'm glad there are people who do that, but I don't think it's my cup of tea. Which is good, since I don't drink tea.

So now, on Monday morning before heading to campus, I am finally getting to the blog. I even wrote it in planner of things to do today. I have a busy week ahead of me, and with the experiment, I need to make sure I make time for blogging.

Which brings me to the point of all of this. I hate Mondays. Especially Mondays like today when I have an insane amount of homework to do this week and I woke up 45 minutes before my alarm. That was annoying. I toss and turn all night long and I woke myself up because I was all tangled in my sheets and untangling myself took enough energy and brain power that I couldn't fall back asleep. Does that ever happen to anyone else? I'm still mad about it! This week I have to present a journal article on solution focused therapy, write a 10-15 page paper on emotionally focused couples therapy, research and prepare a presentation on Asperger's Syndrome, and read for classes. EW! I'm a little worried.

It's times like these when I wish I wasn't still in school. Right now, I would so much rather:

Play French Horn in a symphony. I used to dream of playing with the Orchestra at Temple Square. Or being in the pit for Broadway musicals. Or be in orchestras used for movie soundtracks. Right now, I'd even settle for having a French Horn at all. I have a mouth piece. And a practice mute. And lots of music. But no horn. Anyone wanna buy me one? The ones I want are only like $4,000... I miss French Horn so much sometimes that it hurts. I think after I graduate and have a job, it'll be the first big purchase I make. And let me tell ya, I can't wait.

Be a book critic. I love reading. More than I can even express. I think the thing I hate most about being in school is that during the semester, I barely have time to read. I love all kinds of books. I love it when I'm reading and the rest of the world falls away. I become so engrossed in the story that I become the characters in my mind. I feel what they feel and want what they want. A whole new world opens up with each book I read and I get to experience so many things I could never experience on my own. I could go on and on about how much I love reading. Eventually I'll get that booklist tab finished and share more with you all about my love of books. But wouldn't it be great to get paid to read?

Be independently wealthy and travel the world. I think today would be a great day to visit the pyramids in Egypt. Or walk along the Great Wall of China. Or swim in the Great Barrier Reef. Or visit the Louvre. Or take a cruise to Alaska and walk on a glacier. Or bungee jump in New Zealand. Or ice fish in Denmark. Or see the world's tallest building in Dubai. Or canoe down the Amazon. The list could go on and on.... I think I need more money and vacation.

But unfortunately, I can't do any of those things today. Instead, I'll drive to campus in the rain, file some stuff and enter data for work, do some research, go to class, drive home, and do more research. And I'll do it with a smile on my face. Cause I know I am doing what I'm supposed to at this point in my life. I love learning how to be a therapist. And oddly, I do like school. And even though I can't do all those things I want to, I can dream about them. And that's enough.

Happy Monday, all!

Here I am with my head in the clouds! (Actually this was taken last summer while rafting in Island Park, Idaho. Best second home ever!)

2 years!

The whole Church is celebrating my 2 year anniversary of being home from my mission! Oh, wait, no – that’s General Conference. Oops! J Watch it here.

For any readers who are not LDS, General Conference is a twice-a-year event in which all members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints gather to listen to the leadership of our Church. We believe that, just like in New Testament times, Christ’s Church is led by ordained Prophets and Apostles. This is our chance to hear what the Spirit has revealed to them that we need to hear to help us in these times, with our own personal trials. It’s amazing! The Spirit is so strong during Conference. Check it out! Or for more info on what I believe, click here!

Today marks two years since I came home from spending the best 18-months of my life serving the Lord in the best mission in the world (Florida Jacksonville!). I learned so much, felt the guidance of the Spirit every day, met some of the best people in the world, and strengthened my testimony of Jesus Christ more than I could have in any other way. I still miss it every single day.

I can’t believe it has been two years that I’ve been home. It certainly doesn’t feel like it. I can’t help but look over the past two years and think about what my life has been like since serving Christ as one of His missionaries.

In the past two years, I:

Went back to Florida to visit my mission twice. Once about a month after getting home and again this past Christmas to see the baptisms of a wonderful friend and her son who I taught while serving in Lake Butler.

Fell in love with my best friend’s daughter, Allie. She was due the day I came home from the mission, but was 11 days early – I can’t believe she’s two already! Love her SO much!

Went on a cruise with my awesome sister, Sarah, to Key West Florida and the Bahamas.

Went to San Diego to see a dear friend get married.

Saw Wicked – a dream come true.

Received training to work on a huge research project at BYU, the Flourishing Families Project. I had previously helped out by doing data collection in Seattle before my mission. This time I did behavioral and relational coding for some of the taped interviews. With this, I also made some amazing friends who I now miss dearly.

Started my senior year at BYU.

Also worked at the Dean’s Office in the School of Education. Made some great friends here too, and got used to wearing business casual to work. Good thing, since I’ll be doing that forever.

Studied and took the GRE. EWW! I’m SO glad that’s over. I did about averagely on the verbal and quantitative sections, but did pretty darn well on the writing section.

Applied for graduate school at BYU and University of Houston – Clear Lake.

Got invited for interviews at both schools and went to both.

Got accepted into both programs!

Decided to go to UHCL. Oh man, that was a hard decision!

Went to the Houston Rodeo twice – saw Rascal Flatts the first time, and Blake Shelton this year. (Oh yeah, and I finally bought my first pair of cowboy boots for the rodeo this year!!)

Learned how to belly dance with my roommates!! It was a blast and I miss it a lot! But let me tell ya, these hips don’t lie! J

Spend some time at my parent’s cabin in Island Park, including a little vacation with some of my friends from the coding lab. So much fun!!

GRADUATED from BYU in Marriage, Family, and Human Development. Oh yeah, and I graduated Magna Cum Laude!! All that hard work paid off!

Started graduate school to get a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy.

Got hired as a TA for one of my Professors, still doing that til May.

Made lots of new friends, both at school and at church, who I love.

Got called as a Relief Society teacher.

Got officially diagnosed with a chronic illness and started treatment (more posts on that specifically to follow).

Had 5 weeks off for Christmas (compared to the usual 2 at BYU) and my first Spring Break since graduating high school in 2005.

Started seeing clients in Practicum, and have already terminated with one couple!

WHOO! That’s all I can think of right now, though I am sure there are a lot more. Though the past two years have been really hard in many ways, they’ve also been great. Life hasn’t given me what I expected, or wanted, but I know that Heavenly Father knows what He is doing. He has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself and all of these little things, expected or not, are shaping me into the person He wants me to be. I am truly blessed!

And now, I’m goin’ to Shipleys before the next session of Conference starts. Again, you can watch it HERE!!

Happy Saturday, all!

there is no reason for this picture, other than that it cracks me up... :)

The Experiment

I have a love/hate relationship with this here blog you’re reading. I love the last few things I’ve written on it, since starting grad school. I hate the fact that I’ve only written 4 times since then. I love the idea of having a blog, but I hate how I feel inadequate to have anything to say most of the time. I love writing, or at least want to love writing, but I hate…writing. (How does that even make sense?!) I love sharing my ideas with people but I hate feeling like a failure when I go 3 months between posts. See my dilemma? It’s a doosey.

As some of you may have seen a few weeks ago on Facebook, I stayed up til 4 am my first night of spring break reading blogs. Oops. See, I’ve always heard people talk about all the great blogs they read and thought, “how on earth do they find these blogs? Cause I can’t find any.” Then I stumbled upon Hopes and Dreams through pinterest. And she linked to C. Jane and NieNie, so I found them too. And I think I might be a little bit addicted. Just slightly though…I haven’t stayed up til 4am again. That’s good, right?

I always thought that I couldn’t have a real blog because I’m single and in school and am too busy to do a ton of fun things. My perception of blogs was that they are there to share with family and friends all the fun things you’ve done with your husband and kids and how wonderful and perfect your life is. Well, that doesn’t really work for me. Because I have no husband or kids, and sometimes my life is kind of boring because I’m working hard in school to become a Marriage and Family Therapist.

Then I discovered these blogs. And yes, the writers are all married. And they all have kids. And they all do fun, exciting things. But, that's not the only thing their blogs are about. In reading I came across posts that made me think, “huh – I could write something like that…” All these ideas came into my mind about how I can use my blog and have fun with it and not feel inadequate because of the stage in life I’m in. So, that’s what I’m going to do.

And here’s why. In reading those blogs, I have seen myself in these other women’s experiences and thoughts. They’ve got me thinking about things and about myself and about the world in ways that I wouldn’t have thought on my own. I gained strength from them to help me in my hard moments. I have more thoroughly found myself in their writing. That’s kind of weird sounding, but I am loving it!

So, I want to do that for other people. I think there are thoughts, ideas, experiences, trials, that I have that might be able to help someone else. Or just entertain them. Or make them grateful for their lives. Or make them think about things from a new perspective. That’s exciting to me.

Here’s the experiment. I am going to be an active blogger for the next 3 months. It’s my trial period to see if I like it, if I can come up with things to write about, if I feel like people are reading and being helped. Three months, then I’ll reevaluate and decide if I want to keep it up or let it go.

So, here’s where you can come in. If you like what I write, if you want me to continue writing, let me know! Either on facebook, in comments, or send me an email. Click that follow button at the top left side of your screen. Because though I am doing this for myself, if I’m not reaching anyone at all, I’m more likely to stop when my experiment is over.

Thanks for sharing this journey with me!