Thursday, May 31, 2012

The Search for Purpose...in a Blog...

Remember how I said a while back that I was going to actively blog for 3 months? Ha! That, obviously, didn't happen. There are a few reasons why:

I've been SO busy! I recently started my MFT internship. Oh man, I am loving it! I already have 10 clients - how is that even possible?! Granted, only 3 of them am I seeing on my own, while 7 are with co-therapists, but geez! I was not expecting that! I am really enjoying it thought. I really feel like I have come into myself as a therapist over the past few weeks. And let me tell ya, that is a wonderful feeling.

Because of I've been so busy, my time off has been reserved for rest, relaxation, family, and friends. I've been trying to stay busy on the weekends doing things that make me happy (and yes, sometimes staying busy actually means doing nothing all day on purpose, cause sometimes - that just makes me happy!).

I once read that blogging can be difficult for someone with an addictive personality. I DEFINITELY have an addictive personality. (Hello, have you heard about my obsessions with Supernatural and Cafe Rio? No? well, don't worry - you will!) The reason for this is that it is easy to become obsessed with blog stats and comments and all that jazz. And I noticed myself checking to see how many people had viewed my blog, hoping for comments. And well, there weren't as many people looking at my blog as I had hoped for (delusions of grandeur and all...), and there weren't as many comments as I had also hoped for. So I got a little frustrated and gave up in some regards. I understand people not commenting - I never used to either! (I have only recently started to comment on other blogs because I realized how much I craved it with my own blog). So, if you haven't commented - I'm not calling you out or anything. If you don't want to comment, that's just fine and I don't blame you! I have recently realized that writing is really therapeutic for me if I let it. I am getting to the point that I want to write for me, and not just to see how much other people like what I have to say. I just offer this point as a way of explanation for my lack of posts, not as a call to repentance for my readers. :) However, I would like this blog to be a bit more interactive - so if you have the desire to comment, please do!

But really, I think the real reason I haven't been blogging as much is because I want this blog to have a purpose. I want to write about things that matter (with a pleasant smattering of non-important, but fun things as well). I have that purpose in mind, but I'm having a hard time getting myself there. The initial explanation of that purpose is taking me forever to write out. Mostly because it's painful. I want to talk about some things in my life that are hard to even let myself think about, let alone write about them and share them with the world. But I know this is what I want to do, what I need to do, what this blog is meant for. I'm just having difficulty using the little time I have available to face my demons and write the hard stuff instead of relaxing while watching House Hunters. But the hard stuff needs to be written so I can get to the good stuff.

I'm on a journey that I want to share. I want to share it with as many people as I can. I don't know where that journey will end up and I can't guarantee the path will be fun all the time. There are lot of ups and downs, and lately a lot more downs than I would like. That is another reason I haven't been able to write -  I have been in a negative place lately and didn't want to bring others down with me. But I am starting to have a little bit of an up. The path is trying to pull me back down every day, but I am trying to fight it and stay up, stay in the light. Because there is some light, I feel more ready to share. I want to be real in this space - share the good and the bad and be okay with that. But I also know that I don't want it all to be bad, which is probably why I haven't written in a while. The purpose I want for this blog is to share my experiences with as many people as I can. I hope that my experiences can help others in their hard times, whether those trials are similar to mine or not. We all go through hard things. I truly believe that pain needs to be acknowledged, even if for a short time, and I intend to do that here. But the beautiful thing is that, even when there is pain, there is room for joy and hope and growth as well. That is what I want to chronicle here. The bad with the good and the good with the bad.

But, I am still working on writing my story at this point. It may not be here for a while, but I am working on it. In the mean time, you will all just get to hear more about me! Because as much as I want this blog to express my story, it needs some lighter material as well. So don't worry - you'll get to read that, too. If there's anything you'd like to see me write about, let me know!

And now that I have been so very vague about my "journey," I am going to bed! Stay tuned!


I am in desperate need of a vacation. This is me last summer while on vacation. But since I can't take one til August, I go to Yellowstone and our cabin in Island Park, ID in my mind ALL the time! Can't wait to for that beautiful relaxation!

4 comments:

Janeen said...

Rachel! That's so awesome that you have all of those clients already. I remember when I first started doing actual therapy I would take a step back every once in awhile and think, "wow, I'm actually doing this!" I'm excited you have a blog so I can know what is going on in you life :)

Kimber said...

Oh man, Rachel. I totally know what you mean about being addicted to blog comments and stats! I'm excited to keep reading--and I'm so excited you're going to be an MFT!

Purva said...

Can't wait to read your story:)

Lee Lovell said...

Rachel, I read it. Don't give up on the blog!!!